whazzmaster.com

*cough, cough* I am dying. Slowly, bit by bit, my throat is giving way to a massive red pile of tissue and gook. I eat medicine, it does nothing. I eat throat drops, all kinds, and it does nothing. I drink for 12 hours straight: nothing. What is happening to me? Maybe skin cancer, maybe strep, maybe goddamn cooties. The point of this ramble is that I HAVE NO IDEA. All I can tell you is that it started on the 21st of December 2002 and it is till going strong on the 31st of December 2002. I may just enter the new year sick.

Now, while being sick I have had the opportunity to think about a few things. Namely this: thanks to all you I saw over break who were able to look past my debilitating illness and say “hi” and shake my hand. Should you become sick due to this, I apologize profusely. It was great to see everyone, especially surprises like Dan P (Garret) and Melissa (I can’t remember her Picaresque name), and I even got to talk to Rhonda Lazich on a phone. Also, seeing Springer is always a gas, and the greatest Lawman who ever walked Wausau ate lunch with me. Kristi Klem did a good deed and worked a double so that I could be transported (sickly) to my final Wisco destination before shoving off back to warmer climates. It was freaking awesome to see HoJo Justin again, and Bellgirl is, as always, a cute little Bellgirl.

Before you all lose you GD minds, I am going to post all pictures and the tale of the picaresque day AND the Day After Christmas™ when I get back to Cali. It’s gonna take awhile to sift through the mess and get myself coherant. JESUS, AND I’M STILL SICK HERE!

That’s it for now. Tomorrow is rest. Wednesday is travel. The weekend is for kickin ass, Cali-style. Fuck you 2002, 2003 is here to rock our socks off.

–whazz on (into a new year)

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Sometimes the world is confronted by an evil so profound that one can only back away slowly utterly all the oaths they know. Sometimes its better NOT to know what the human soul is capable of. Sometimes… well, sometimes you can sleep easier knowing nothing of the under-society that dwells just beyond nightfall. I will now tell you the tale of Dr. Chaos.

As an aside, it is fairly funny to me that I only needed one morning in Wisconsin plus one newspaper to find what is perhaps THE breakthrough journalistic article of the year 2002. All this time mining the net for insanity to reproduce on whazzmaster.com and all I ever needed to do was fly to Wisconsin and open up a newspaper.

But back to Dr. Chaos, M.D.

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Everything is flooded. I saw the new Lord of the Rings movie. Yes, there were people dressed in costumes. Yes, people clapped their goddamn hands at the end like fools. Yes, some idiots laughed during the Fandango.com commercial. The movie was good enough. I found myself wanting it to be over at the 2 1/2 hour mark, though it forged ahead anyways.

I have to go now, my car is submerged. I will see you all in Wisconsin, though.

–whazz on

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It’s been raining in the Bay Area for about 6 days straight now. It will never stop. Our roof is still leaking slightly, and I just looked out my window at work to see a cloud I would judiciously call “black” moving rapidly towards me. See, the problem with California is that they have no concept of “weather” as we like to call it back home. In Wisco, people had this idea. Some called it preposterous, but others felt it merited enough effort to research it more. Eventually, against all odds, the plan was actually funded and put into place. See, some nutbag a long time ago thought it might be a good idea to build a system so that when it rained the water would fall under the street and be carried off through pipes where it could do no flood damage. These “sewers” became home to street urchins, alligators, mole men, floating turds, and one sad clown, but still they did their intended job: no more floods. California, with their strong anti-mole men stance, could ill afford to create such a haven for said subnormals and so never did figure out how to get rid of the pesky water. There was limited success in bottling and selling it for $5 a bottle.

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I thought that by mocking the concept of the tiny destructive robot, I would flush the sender out of hiding. Apparently he or she is too crafty for such a tactic. I will now resort to ignoring the whole damn thing unless explicitly questioned about it. Then I’ll casually say, “Hmm everybody else stopped talking about that months ago. That means the sender must be YOU!” Then I’ll hit the person with my bop gun. BAMF, and they be funkdified before you can shake the crust out your eyes.

In other news, I will be attending a dirty christmas party this evening. The idea behind this party is that everyone shows up with a wrapped present of ill repute, be it movie, toy, novelty underpants, or butt plug. All of the presents are placed under a tree and you proceed to get drunk off your ass. At 10:00 everyone picks one present from beneath the tree and opens it. VOILA! Your very own double-headed dildo! Last year I ended up passed out on the floor. If ever there was an environment that you don’t want to end up passed out in, it is a dirty christmas party. Needless to say, I was set up as a perverted marionette by amused drunks and pictures were taken. Damn them all.

Happy Birthday Paul! Hope your bday works out well, with drinks and sex all around.

We have had hurricane force winds and rain like nobody’s business for the last two days. Unfortunately our apartment seems to be made out of paper and masking tape, as our roof in our dinig room is leaking slightly. I hope to shit that it gets fixed soon.

Also, due to god spitting in my eye, it will most likely be shit weather for the 49er/Packer game tomorrow. We apparently have paid a shit-ton of money to sit in a tornado and watch Brett Favre poop his pants and play Monopoly on the 50 yard line.

The countdown is on. Less than 7 days until I hop on a plane bound for the cold midwest. To say I am excited is an understatement.

–whazz on

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Hi there, welcome to WM Associates Seminar on Project Leadership. I’m Erick Jeffries and for some background I’ve been doing these classes for about 30 years now in the Valley. It’s great to be here at Tiny Robot Industries to teach you all about how to maximize your efficiency in creating tiny killer robots that are implanted in blocks of birdseed and sent to unwitting schmoes. I know we’ve all had times when we sit down to create that “next generation” of tiny robots and there doesn’t seem to be a clear project plan to speak of. We’re here today to discuss Easy-Manage Docu-Planner 5000™ model of project leadership:

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You know, there’s times when everything seems to be going great on a weekend. You go to a holiday party, you buy a Christmas tree, you deck a hall or two, you see an original king of comedy, etc. But when your alarm clock rings on Monday morning, and you think to yourself “self? why is my alarm clock going off at 7am on a Sunday morning?” and you roll over and go back to sleep, then you have a problem with your weekend. Namely that it was not nearly long enough.

There are these things called “parties”. Sometimes they happen on birthdays and other times they happen near Christmas. A lot of times corporations have these “parties” for the benefit of their employees. Intuit has always had awesome “parties” but now that we have the GE management style I think we can all forget about having “parties” in the near future, for these wanton acts of non-work have no place in a company that is going from a $1B to a $5B in the next year or so. The moral of the story? Take your “parties” where you can get them, such as the one on Saturday night:

Erin and Zach: Fun 2002 Style!

I have the whole batch of pictures zipped up, so go ahead and download it if you want.

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Played Baptist basketball last night. Lost at basketball last night. I swear to god the average height of their players was somewhere near 6′6″, while ours is somewhere around 5′10″. They actually had a girl on their team. I don’t care about sexual equality or all that shit, she took a dive when she drove in and got clearly rejected by Scott. There was no fucking foul on that play. We actually outscored those tall mofos in the second half by 10 points, but the first half deficit was too much to overcome, sadly. They definitely weren’t as good as they looked, but when your team only scores 5 points in the first half, it’s hard to win a basketball game.

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