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It was a really weird dream. I was in an episode of The Andy Griffith Show, but the show was set in 60’s. Opie was a little bit older, Aunt Bea was dead, and Andy has one of those big moustaches.

Yeah, kinda like that.

Actually, more like this.

Don’t even ask about Barney Fife. Anyways, so it was the 60’s, and everything had a vaguely yellow blur to it (like when you watch a home movie from the 60’s and that “What would you do if we sang out of tune…” plays in the background). It was also evident to me, in this dream, that I was in my Great-Grandmother Hanny’s house. It is quite small, and located somewhere in Illinois.

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ATTENTION: All of the audio files herein contain loud cursing. If you listen at work, turn down volume or use headphones. We don’t want customers at the front desk to hear me screaming “FUCK!” over and over. Rod Burwell also wants no such thing. enjoy the show!

One very short week ago I purchased a small digital voice recorder from Radio Shack. The cost ($70) at the time seemed a bit much. I didn’t know at the time if it was worth that much for a small stick that records sounds. After last night, however, the $70 seems a small price to pay for the fantabulisticness of the item. I decided as I was leaving the house to drive down to San Jose that I would not take my camera with. It was an experiment to find out how much we could recall the night with just the recorder. This post is the result of said experiment.

Erin decided against going since there were going to be no other girls, as usual. Judd bowed out of the race complaining of headaches or some such ailment. So, that left Scott, Madd Scientist, and I to take on San Jose armed only with the RadioShack Vox.

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Wow.

Wow.

Seriously, whazzmaster.com be blowing up here with 100+ posts. I waited my customary 2-3 days for my next post, and every time I do it it seems like more and more comments show up. I regret not being able to attend Wirkus’ Birthday. He was very paranoid about it sucking, and then he went ahead and had an awesome time. Drinking beer directly from the bar tap, watching fistfights, after-bar action. Little Bellgirl puking everywhere. Pints of gimlets. You make me jealous.

The other night me and Madd settled down for a night of Chappelle’s Show on Comedy Channel, and it did not disappoint. I’ve always liked the guy, he’s funny and all that jazz. Also, Madd Scientist makes no sense at some points. I used the new voice recorder to capture some classic Madd/Raj banter.

I will be putting up a new poll soon enough. You guys gave me a good idea and I will run with it. To answer some of the questions that have been posed to me, I will use the traditional Whazzmaster.com List:

1. Duck Tales. Darkwing Duck. Voltron. G.I.Joe. He-Man. TMNT. Nuff said.
2. I regretably will not be able to attend the LaCrosse field trip. You know I want to, but I’m saving my money for the Vegas trip on March 15th.
3. I wasn’t lying low, I was merely losing a baskeball game while all of your posting maddness was going on. It was a close game this time, final score was 42-35. I had a career high 6 points (would have been 8 but I blew an open lay-up).
4. I have never heard of mf grimm or mf doom, cal. Are they Bay Area rappers? If so I would suggest talking to one Scott Fournier. He is down with the Yay Area rap connection. Ask him about Mac Dre.
5. Jen, I believe you were asked a question by Alandovos. You should respond.
6. I have treated Ayn Rand literature like a dead raccoon and stayed away from its rabies all of my life. Especially after Chris Harvard from Tough Enough I was reading it. He sucks poke chops froma woman’s panties.
7. Bellgirl seems to now be the lusted-after diva of this website. Who’da thunk it all those years ago when she started and couldn’t barely carry an 8 foot tabel from the back hallway down to Chancellor’s, that now she would have achieved a fame coveted by all. And working at the InnTowner. And a hospital.
8. timemachine moment: You all have very selective memories. I would have a tough choice and I now put it to the audience to decide. I know what all of your first reactions are going to be, but think carefully and hard. You will be rewarded with nostalgia if you do. Do I pick: a.) the moment that the pig pinata broke and all manner of human from 18-28 years of age scrambled madly for chicle and caramels while Erin calmly lost her marbles, OR b.) the greatest WWF pay-per-view ever, wherein Big Elvis chokeslammed Wirkus, Kalish tombstoned Todd (or maybe the other way around), I People’s Elbowed Todd, Katie Grant (at that time) ballshotted me, and all 14 of us ended up Stone-Colding beers on the front sidewalk at 11pm.
9. D-d-d-danger lurks behind you/There’s a stranger out to find you/What to do just travel to some Duck Tales/Ooh-woo-ooh/Something something something something.
10. Cal, we can have a book club, but it will be all Frank Norris literature, and when that is done I’m going to chain you to a wall and make you read Vonnegut until you pass out. Ewaz can just read Catch-22 over and over. I’ll read comic books but pretend I’m reading Ayn Rand.
11. Rock Chalk: here you go.

I also think I’ll be changing my username to Raj soon in order to comply with ewaz’s request. You gotta rep whazz on the whazzmaster website, or else the truth police come and make you shut it down and they also take away all of your pineapples and peaches when they leave. I wouldn’t want that.

–Yossarian lives!

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Have you ever had just a really great fucking day? I mean, when you do everything you set out to do plus about 40 other things? Today was one of those days for me, and since I’m so goddamn pleased with the way the last 13 hours have turned out, I figured I’d share it with the world. Now, you have to understand is that a typical day for me entails shoving off for work at about 9-9:30am, returning home at around 6pm, and then watching TV the rest of the night. I’m working out these days, but overall that just pushes the TV watching back an hour every night. Today, however, I was like a man possessed. Possessed by some… inspired… working… thingy. Anyways, here is everything I have accomplished since waking at 8:30am (using the now-famous whazzmaster.com list format):

1. I uploaded all of my digital pictures taken between my trip home and now to snapfish.com. Once you have your digital pictures uploaded into albums, you can share the albums for your friends to look at, or you can order hard copy prints of them for between $0.25 and $0.39 apiece. I ended up getting (I think) about 116 prints for $17, which is not bad in my book. Since the Fish is located in downtown San Francisco, I should have the prints by tomorrow or the next day. That’s just plain fucking awesome to me for some reason.

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Just so you all don’t think I just sit here on my rear end and not do anything, I decided that I desperately needed to post this evening to show you what I’ve been up to. I say this evening because it is the first I’ve been home all day. I was sucked into the vortex of Wedding Gift Registeries this day my friends, and I tell you it is a lonely black place where you will hear little bleeping scanners until the day you ram a 24″ Gothic Candle Holder Wall Sconce (Black) right into your left goddamn eye and end it all.

For the most part registering for wedding gifts is ok. If you’ve always wanted a Stainless Steel Wazootyman Widget (Elite Edition), then all you have to do is point a little scanner gun and it is as good as yours. However, what the wives-to-be don’t tell you about are the plates. Oh dear lord the plates. Dinnerware, my friends…

Yep, that about sums up the dinnerware. Also, at one point when we went out to lunch, E-dub started dancing to the tune on the Muzak. I believe it was Old Man River. Click here to download a 9 second clip of her dancing in the booth. Ain’t technology wonderful? Overall we signed up for some cool stuff. As you can see here, I even scanned myself a nice little coffee pourer steel tabletop thingy:

Ah, coffee served from stainless steel.

So once we got home I started working on the Bellman Profiles. They are now halfway done, but in order to go any further I need the questions for the profiles. PLEASE post the original questions below (if you remember) plus any new ones that should be on there. Once I got stuck on the Bellman Profiles, I turned to creating Official Whazzmaster.com Logos™. Here are the first two fruits to fall off of my labor tree:

Base image for future logos… and my nightmares.

Base logo with no border. Also, notice evil robot.

One more thing before I bounce. I’ve got up zip files of pictures from Madd’s 24th Birthday Party on Friday, and also some pictures from My Wedding Registry Day. Enjoy.

–whazz on

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I was going to put all of this info in a comment on the last story, but I think there was a bit too much to say, so I put it here:

1. I received an ewaz xmas card straight outta Wild Rose. Thank you very much ewaz, I wish more than anything that I could attend a Rosin family gathering. I would most likely be at a complete and utter loss for words. Plus poker is cool.

2. On the same day that I received an ewaz xmas card, I also got a letter from the Connie that included (1) AccuWeather forecast, (2) bellman business cards, and (1) killer nanobot. Just kidding, the third thing was a newspaper clipping detailing how a 64 year old man got his ass beat soundly by madison cops on Halloween night, the day that all hell broke loose in Madison. The guy looks so familiar, but I can’t figure out where he is from. Someone please clue me in, because I know I’ve seen him before. I would post his picture here, but I don’t have a scanner to scan it into the computer. Since I will probably need one for the Whazzmaster.com Picture Contest, I’ll probably be buying one soon.

3. Notice to Ed Neesvig: I am using your mailbox bank full-time as of right now. It sits where my wallet and keys go when I get home from work, so all of loose change goes right on in there. Thanks very much for such a finely-crafted piece of functional art. I will be telling all my friends and co-workers about it.

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First I gotta say that I altered the page a little bit so that you can get right to the comments. Posted stories can be as long as you want, but only a certain amount of text will show up on the main page. For the rest of the story, just click the little Read More link below. You can also post comments from there.

So, Reno was as you expect it to be: drunk. We finally shipped out of San Mateo at about 6:45pm on Friday. We drove about 2 miles and got in line with the rest of California to go to the mountains for the weekend. Those goddamn skiers. Various people did different things on the trip. EDub, Grand Masta Caspa, and I had a Paper, Rock, Scissors Tournament from 101 North all the way to Reno. I believe Casperson won 9-5-5. Kyle stared silently out the window. Madd Scientist was hollering about a midget who took Eminem’s song “Lose Yourself” as his anthem. At one point we got our asses snatched in a bear trap of a traffic jam, so Kyle and Ryan did the only thing they could do: get out, walk around in the snowy mountains, piss, and then throw a snowball at an open car window. Brilliant! The 3 hour drive took about 6 hours on that night, but around 12:30am we rolled into the Harrah’s parking garage, ready to drink and gamble.

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So we all went out in San Jose last night, right? It started out as your typical night: lose the basketball game 60-20, go home pissed off, but then I took a shower and we drove down to meet Scott and Judd (and the Madd Scientist). We left Scott’s to go to the bar at about 11:30pm. I was under the impression that we were going to get there too late to do anything eventful. We paid our $5 to get into the Agenda to find that our group of 6 people effectively doubled the attendance on that particular night. I figured that the night was just a bust, but Judd said that we were there too early. 11:30pm. Too early. So we play som pool, and sure enough the place actually starts to fill up. It didn’t get wall to wall crazy, but there were enough people to make it interesting. There was one guy there, who everyone in our party called Ron Jeremy. He was a big guy with long hair and a beard, and he was drunk off of his shit. Personally, I thought he looked more like a fatter Kevin Smith. Now, I am not a violent man, but apparently Casperson is, because when Casperson walked into the bathroom and the bearded one said “What the fuck are you doing, bitch?” Casperson dropped him with one punch. I waltzed in to take a leak and the guy was in there with his friends saying “You remember the Beatles? Remember the Blue Meany? Well, there’s blue meanys all over this bar. We gotta go out the back.” We took our leave from the Agenda shortly thereafter.

We went to Iguana’s, of course. It was there that the evening took on a soulful, eerie, gluttonous aspect. You see, there exists in the world we live in an item called the Burrito-zilla. Iguana’s Taqueria sels such an item. If you eat said monstrosity in under 20 minutes, then you don’t have to pay for it. Scott has tried… and failed. The Madd Scientist wants to try, but he can’t even finish a Super Iguana burrito (exactly one-half the size of a Burrito-zilla). So, naturally, they both coaxed a large man neither of them knew to try and eat one. Bets were made, cameras were readied, and the largish man sat down to eat a Burrito-zilla in under 20 minutes. Just before kickoff, however, Madd Scientist angered a another patron of the taqueria by banging on the bathroom door “while she was trying to take a piss”.

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