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Number one: let me talk about gas prices for a second, because it has become apparent to me that the Shell station by my house will be demanding some of my stock options, a stake in my future poker earnings, and the foreskin of my first-born son soon. This fucking shit is expensive. I scanned my receipt for the goddamn gas and here it is, with my annotations so you can follow along:

A corpulent plutocrat better be eating well this evening.

Jesus. Soon, gasoline will be worth far more than platinum and then Madd will have to import fake chains with tiny bottles of fake gasoline in them so he can appear to be as well off as the rappers who drive 12mpg Hummers. In reality, I was at the exact same gas station 2 weeks ago and the price was $2.01/gal. Then I stopped last week and the price was $2.11/gal. I almost choked when I saw that. This morning I pulled in for my usual gas up and saw… this. I was absolutely dumbfounded. “How could gas be that much?” I wondered aloud. No one answered by un-unspoken question. There was a lady filling up her Navigator next to me, and I was pondering whether I should ask her if she makes $100 million or $100 billion dollars a year to be filling up an SUV at $2.21 a fucking gallon.

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Good morning, whazzers. Just wanted to lay down a post about the weekend. It’ll be short and sweet.

First off, I went out friday night with Madd and Scott. We wanted to go to Waves but they were having a ~FASHION SHOW and wanted to charge us $30 to get through the door to drink. We said no. Then we headed over to the Brittania Arms, wherein Madd and Scott bought 2 pitchers of beer (one for each of them to drink out of like a cup) and I purchased a double-Belvy gimlet on the rocks for (are you ready for this?) $16. Those fuckers. Anyways, Scott and Madd are chatting up various people (young and old) at the bar, resulting in such situations as:

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Just so I could strangle the bitchwad from the Isthmus article. I have now finished reading it and I just wanted to pop in with my opinions.

1.) First and foremost, I want to illustrate how stupid she is using her Thursday “wild night out” story. First she says:

Not wanting to ruin Friday night’s festivities with Thursday night’s hangover, my friends and I decide to explore the tamer side of Madison’s night life with a couple of drinks at Genna’s. Located off-campus on the northwest corner of the square, Genna’s manages to avoid a lot of loud, immature crap taht we undergrads have atendency to pull when we’re loaded.

Where do I even start with this dumb broad? Genna’s is on the south corner of the Square, to start with. Look at a map, bitch. And just when I think that she can do no stupider she goes and says:

Tonight, for some reason, it’s wall-to-wall with irritable grad students and girls with big hair. My friend Jess and I stay for one drink before the existential conversation at the next table make us realize we aren’t actually having any fun. Rather than wait for the rest of our party to forge through the growing line outside the door, Jess and I put our cell phones to good use and notify the others that we are on the move to the City Bar for a slightly more sociable atmosphere.

*blink* *blink* Did she just say she wanted to go somewhere quiet for a nice drink and conversation and then say “hee hee, I lied!” in the very next fucking paragraph? I believe she did. Then, as if the night is a plane going down in the mountains of Guatamala, she goes ahead and lights the cabin on fire on the way down. They head to the City. The goddamned City. Look bitch: Madison is not New York, and you are not in Sex in the City. And you with your fucking Cosmopolitans. I’m not knocking the drink. My mom drinks them and so does my lady-friend. I’m knocking the fact that this chick got shit-faced on three of them. Three. And then she desperately needs Qdoba.

*zzzot* That’s it, I can’t go any further, my brain just shorted out. This stupid article has done what 4 years of reading the Opinion page of the USA Today could not. I’m done.

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First things first. Let’s talk about 50 Cent’s CD. I’ve had some time to listen to it and I have to say that it is fucking awesome. Most CDs I buy I end up listening to 4 or 5 at most tracks regularly. On Get Rich or Die Tryin I usually just let the thing roll. Skip track 1 (a 5 second Intro track) and you have 5 solid songs right in a row, and inside that 5 are three fucking great tracks in a row. We start out with track 2: What Up Gansta, a fairly uptempo track that gets the album off to a good start. Then track 3: Patiently Waiting, which in my opinion is the better of the two Eminem collaborations on the disc. Plus the hook is pretty catchy. My guess is the next single will be either this song, track 4, or track 14. And track 4 is the best one on the whole disc. I couldn’t put my finger on what was good about it, but Judd came up with a bit of an explanation. It is 50 Cent’s 2Pac song. And it is good. I have to admit, though, that it isn’t nearly as good unless you know 50 Cent’s background (he got shot 9 times, etc.). The way he delivers the line “Every night I talk to god, but he don’t say nothing back/I know he protecting me, but I still stay with my gat/In my nightmares, niggas keep pulling techs on me” just gets to me somehow. It’s not complicated, it’s not too deep, but it is just affecting somehow. I’m positive it has to do with his delivery. Everyone’s heard track 5, In Da Club. It’s a good song, and I’ll leave it at that. Track 6: High All The Time, is a good tune as well. Seven is a good Dre-produced track who’s backbeat is the sound of a gun cocking over and over. That’s tight. Track 10: Back Down is where 50 describes his beef with Ja Rule. It has a few good lines and a tight background track. Number 14: 21 Questions is one of my new favorites. Most music critics have named it the bad mark on the cd overall, but I like the track and its got a catchy hook. I guess I’m easily entertained. Also, if you don’t count the repeats of the same questions, 50 Cent and Nate Dogg combined actually ask 21 questions of the course of the song. I counted. Track 15: Don’t Push Me, is the other Eminem collaboration on the disc, and it is very ok. I mean, it’s nothing great, but I’m pretty sure that half of Eminem’s verse (if not more) is pure freestyle, which is interesting to hear. Then you’ve got some bonus tracks, including Wanksta. So overall a tight CD, and definietly one of the best I’ve purchased in a long time.

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Today’s guest poster is Grand Masta Caspa. Enjoy the show, whazzers.

Consensus of the weekend: It reeked of awesomeness. Friday’s expectations well exceeded their anticipated levels, while LAX fell just short, though a great time was still had by all. With no further delays…

Friday Night
DJ Skribble - himself
Caspa - DJ Skribbles “personal security”
Wirkus - personal securities friend/part of Skribbles’ entourage

9:00 - Danny drops off DJ Skribble (we’ll call him Skribbs from now on) to do a sound/equip check. Skribbs doesn’t like the setup but is very courteous and funny. Quote from Skribbs, “These damn easties are dumb. They all have dark hair and large noses. Damn they suck.” Side note, Danny is now in possession of 5 tickets for the show courtesy of Skribbs.
10:00 - Skribbs leaves to reappear at 12:00.
12:00 - Caspa is designated as Skribbs’ “personal security.” Duties include and are not limited to: No one talks to Skribbs while he works. No one touches Skribbs while he works. Example of typical scenario:

East Coast Girl: Hi.
Caspa: Hi, Can I help you?
ECG: Are you DJ Skribbles security?
C: Yes
ECG: Which one is he?
C: The one with the sleeveless vest and the beret.
ECG: Can I talk to him?
C: No.
ECG: Can I touch him?
C: No.
ECG: Please?
C: No.

Now repeat this with about 1000 other dumb girls for real effect.
12:30 - Wirkus, Sean, Danny, and Timmer arrive from The Dollar. Wirkus appears to be the most drunk, followed by Sean. Wirkus and Sean order stiff drinks and stand by Caspa to converse. Wirkus becomes intrigued by the girls dancing in the cage and decides it’s his mission to recruit girls to dance in the cage. Example of typical scenario:

Wirkus walks up to East Coast guy and girl.
W: Excuse me miss.
Guy: [confused look on face]
Girl: Um, yes.
W: DJ Skribble saw you dancing in the crowd and liked what he saw. He wanted me to come and ask you if you would like to come and dance in the cage.
Girl: Sure [both exit stage left]
[30 seconds elapse, all 3 reappear by Caspa]
C: Can I help you?
Guy: Yes, DJ Skribble pointed out my girlfriend and wanted to talk to her.
C: Um, no. But I can let her dance in the cage.
Girl: Ok. [Enters cage]
Guy: How about me?
C: Um, no.

Bar time - DJ Skribbs offers invite to after bar with him at the Concourse. After bar includes cases of Couvesier and Cristal. One after bar participant, who wishes to remain anonymous, leaves Connie at 7:00 am, drunk, with a bottle of Couvesier, and pulls some 007 shit to get out of the Connie without being caught by the Bell captain, or front desk.

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Its been a wicked while since I opened up the case files of the Racine County Police Department, and things have only got more retarded since we last visited the big manilla folder. Drunkeness abounds, as we see in our first story:

A 37-year-old man from Lake Forest, Ill., was arrested twice in three days on allegations of drunken driving. He was arrested Jan. 30 on State St. at McHenry St. with a blood-alcohol level of 0.447, more than four times the amount considered proof of intoxication in an adult driver. He also was arrested on allegations of failure to yield and driving without a license. On Feb. 1 he was arrested in the 300 block of Conkey St. and registered 0.387 on a preliminary breath test.

Wow. You know, I once knew someone who had a BAC of .447… but then he died. He certainly didn’t wake up three days later and say “I’m gonna try to make myself bleed scotch… again.” And look, Racine Police, if a guy has a BAC of .447 and he manages to drive without dying, do one of two things: hit him over the head with a nightstick until he cannot legally drive for the rest of his life due to brain damage, or shake his hand and send him home as a hero. Do not give him a ticket for failure to yield. That’s just a puss-out.

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You know what I did this last weekend? Nothing. And it was every bit as great as I thought it would be. It’s nice to take a week off from being hungover every now and then just to get the toxins out of your system. If you don’t you end up waking at 3pm on Sunday to wonder where your weekend went. So I did things like get a haircut, do some laundry, and not spend $100 at the bar. If I’m going to go gambling in one short month I’ll need all the money I can get together.

Somewhere out there someone is looking for a picture of a naked Brett Favre. And they somehow ended up at whazzmaster.com. This and many other funny things happen when Google randomly crawls whazzmaster looking for all of the comedy goodness that I crap out on a thrice-weekly basis. Every week I get a report from my UW Computer Science web site that details how many people came to the site and how they got there. Usually, the report is something very stupid such as I got 1 visitor and he linked to the site from my name on the list of all UW CS students with web accounts. Today, however, I opened up the report and found some links so awesome that I am humbled to be a part of the interweb. Let’s step through them one by one:

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Or so I’ve heard. What a goddamned surprise: we lost at basketball tonight. And it was a bad loss indeed. So bad that I drove straight to the gym afterwards and worked out just so I wouldn’t go home and punch a hole in the wall.

I bought the 50 Cent cd today, as I alluded to earlier. At this point I’ve listened to most of the cd, and I can now give my official whazzmaster.com recommendation: it’s good. It’s got more good tracks than bad, and any cd is good if it has the line “i don’t need to write rhymes/i got bricks in the hood”. Ah, Bellman Jon, you’ve finally hit it big as a 50 Cent ghostwriter. Eminem guests on 2 or 3 songs, with one being way better than the other one.

We purchased the invitations tonight, due in no small part to Jen harping on me like the one of the Furies. You’ll all be happy to know that you’ll be getting notification of our intent to marry soon enough. I also bought the tickets back to Wisconsin for March 21-23 for the tasting, shower, and other such nonsense. If anyone is interested in coming down to Racine on Friday, March 21st for some drinking and talking, let us know.

Madd Scientist finally bought our plane tickets to Vegas (at least he better have) in addition to booking our rooms. So, I guess it will be a fire drill of the bachelor party in Vegas from March 15th-18th. I’m trying to bring some real skrilla so I can play a bit higher stakes craps than $5 with $5 behind it. Ssssh, don’t tell erin, but I keep my change in a old condom underneath the mattress. I’ve got about $47 sacked away.

Dave Attell was in Memphis tonight for the second epsiode, and in said episode he goes to a Shooting Range for Ladies’ Night. Erin said she would like to go shooting. So Madd, let’s pack it up on Ladies Night and hit the range so Erin can shoot the glock. I should note that she is afraid that when the gun kicks, she will drop it and it will shoot someone. I should also note that I hope she gets very adept with guns and then if I ever need an accomplice in a Vice City-style rampage, she’ll back me up.

Hmm, can’t really think of anything else right now. I’m not as pissed as I was earlier, but don’t think for a second that I’m not pissed. I would like to win one game this year.

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