whazzmaster.com

Who? Zach Moneypenny
What? His bachelor party
Where? Milwaukee, WI
When? 7 June 2003
Why? Because

Yes, pals, it’s time for Ol’ Pennywhistle’s bachelor party. Long story short, I’ve rented a bus, we are taking said bus to a Brewer game, and then we are going to go out in Milwaukee.
Short story long, the bus is set to depart from a yet to be determined location in Madison, WI at 1:30 p.m. on Saturday, June 7th. We will drink beer, sing songs and make merry as the bus motors us to Milwaukee. Upon arriving Milwaukee, we will have a catered tailgate party in the beautiful parking lot that surrounds Miller Park. The tailgate party includes brats, hamburgers, oven baked beans (The preferred way to heat legumes) American potato salad, (which for some reason conjures up the vision of a drunken lawman with potato salad smeared across his bare chest, leading a group of drunken revelers in a wild chanting of USA whilst perched on top of the bus) chips, pickles, cookies, soda and unlimited beer. Gentlemen, I seriously want to make them regret selling us all-you-can-drink beer. I want to test their boast of “unlimited”. After the tailgate we will watch the Brewers play the Red Socks from our wonderful seats in lodge bleacher section 204. After the Brewers win, we will go bail eroz and Madd Scientist out of jail and bus down to On the Border for some adult entertainment. After all this is a bachelor party. When we get sick of looking at boobs and drinking $8 Miller Lites, we will bus to downtown Milwaukee and hit the Water Street bars until they kick us out. Water Street isn’t my favorite place in the world, but it’s the only place I can think of that can accommodate a group of our size.

The cost for this night of debauchery is a poetic $69 each for the bus, tailgate and ticket to the game and whatever else you spend on booze and boobs out at the bars. I’m guessing that an extra $50-$100 will be more than enough unless you go nuts on the lap dances and beer buying inside Miller Park.

If you have any questions about anything, call me, wwhazz, at (—) ***-**** or call Moneypenny at (***) ***-**** or post at whazzmaster.com. The sooner you send me the $69, the better, for nearly every penny I have is currently wrapped up in this project. If you are coming from out of town and need help finding a place to stay Friday or Saturday, again, let me know sooner than later, and I will make arrangements for you. There are currently 27 tickets and tailgate dinners. We are bringing the driver along with us, so that leaves 26 available tickets. The following individuals are receiving invites: Moneypenny, Wirkuswhazz, Ewaz, Timmer, Grand Masta Caspa, Lawman, Lawman’s new sidekick Sean aka Lawboy, Springer, Kyle, Madd, Danny, Ross, Judd, S Fitty, Arlo, Aaron Moneypenny, Brandon, Paul, Todd, Scubby, Dan P, Alandovos, Luke, K-Car, Cal, Steven, Rock Chalk’s brother, Havey, Tom Marks and Tangman. The 26 spots will go on a first come first served basis. By that, I mean the first to send me the sixty-nine bucks. My address is:

wwhazz(radio edit)
Madison, WI 53703

Again, if you have any questions, please call or post on whazzmaster.com. If you can’t make it to the party, please call me and let me know ASAP because the logistics of this thing are mind-boggling. Also, if any of you feel that I’ve forgotten to invite someone, let me know– maybe Moneypenny had a special relationship with his Boy Scout leader that I’m unaware of– and I’ll send out an invite.

I know that I’m stating the obvious here, but my God, is this going to be a great day/night of bachelor partying, and please, this is aimed at you Cali boys, leave the Prada at home: it’s Milwaukee.

Your friend,
wwhazz

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I am typing this from the computer lab in Bldg. 10 at work. The reason I’m in the computer lab is that for today its the “Marketing Department” for the scavenger hunt Judd is running for Take Our Kids To Work Day. I basically sit and eat licorice while 8 to 11-year olds run in and ask me to give them “products” (empty boxes of our software). Then they take the products to the Usability Lab and get them tested. Then they go to a Sales person to figure out how they will sell it. They also inter-office mail the CEO about their product and get security badges.

Overall pretty fun. I get to act like a marketing dude. My method is to just act as clueless as possible about what’s going on. Just kidding.

Brewers lost in the 12th last night. I’m depressed. Those bastards dropped 2 to the Marlins already. C’mon, Yost, light a fire under someones ass! Brewers pitching: meager.

I sprained my ankle last night playing basketball. Thought I broke it at first, but after icing down all night it felt better. Now I gotta get some ankle braces, my shit is no longer virgin.

Woops, more kids just showed up. Gotta go be marketing again.

–whazz on

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Following post by Ewaz:

So the bus gets there and we leave. I have about four quarts of the nectar of the gods, and we arrive in The Good Land. We get inside just as first pitch goes out. Sometime in the 2nd, I vomit my one food of the day, Delicious brand Sour Cream and Onion potato chips and about a quart of N.O.T.G. all over my feet. Immediately, the only hottie on the trip walks by and tells me that I am disgusting. I head towards the bathroom. I clean up and head to get a hot dog.

Approximately one minute after consuming a beautiful Miller Park dog with secret stadium sauce, I feet purge # 2 heading my way. I make it only as far as a concourse garbage can.

I am now stading there doing the 2:45a.m. drunken piss stance. You know, where you are leaning far too forward and with one hand on the wall, only I have one hand on the garbage can.

An usher, perhaps one hundred years old, approaches me and is talking on a radio. Soon, several brown and khaki clad sherrif’s deputy’s, which I recall from my earlier days dealing with Milwaukee Countys’ finest, are around me asking me what the problem is. I tell them that I had gotten a bad dog. They ask if I have been drinking, and to see my I.D. After a short conversation, where they agree that I am not causing trouble, but because, “Ancient Chester” decided to use the phrase,”disturbance” instead of, “fan vomiting”, they have to escort me out of the park.

I say that I understand, and head towards the bus. Once there, I eat half of a pound of Cheesy Chex Mix, and have a Sierra Mist.

These made for a large, orange semi-circle outside the right rear wheel of said bus.

Al-in-all, I missed one of the best games ever played, A-Roz states, didn’t drink my $40 dollars worth, and felt like shit for five hours.

(I did watch or listen to, at least half of the game, so it counts as offical, and has my total at 3.

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Guess who’s back? Back again. Guess who’s back? Daniel fucking Hinkel. I got my Daily Cardinal email with a list of headlines, and I saw one that seemed strange: Classes you do not need: Liberal Arts. I didn’t know when I clicked on the link who the author was, but as soon as his fucking face came up…

Punch to the face in 5… 4… 3…

…I knew what kind of fucking gayness I was in store for. So, this homo decides that he took classes that did not benefit him in any way in college, and he further feels that the college should be ashamed because of that. Let me get this straight, you shit-eating goony bird, you didn’t get anything out of school because, AS YOU SAY YOURSELF, you took classes that you weren’t interested in just to pass requirements, and it’s now the school’s fault that you didn’t learn anything.

Example: this cock-juice drinking troglodyte took “an elementary math class” to pass his Quantitative Reasoning B requriement. After taking the class he “couldn’t balance…” his “own checkbook”. Even taking into account that he is trying to be sarcastic, he is retarded. In fact, I believe that real retarded people should beat the shit out of him for giving them a bad name.

I think I’ve figured out what this fuckface’s MO is. He fancies himself a sarcastic purveyor of realism on campus. He wants to be the Jerry Seinfeld saying “what’s the deal with this Quantitative Reasoning B requirement? I mean, c’mon! I couldn’t balance my checkbook with that class!” News flash dickweed, you’re not funny. Moreover, you’re basically saying “There are stupid people who actually find this class hard?!” Hey Einstein, I didn’t see you in my Linear and Matrix Algebra class. Was that too easy for you too? What the fuck major are you in that’s so great and difficult? Oh yeah, journalism. And not good journalism either, just Daily Cardinal Feature Wednesday journalism. This fucking guy disses math, english, and foreign language (I would venture to say the core of most majors at the school since you can’t go into arts or science without a knowledge of english or math), and then expects us to laugh along with him at the stupidty of the school?! Does he even go to school?! Is he a homeless hobo on State St that Cardinal got to write features on Wednesdays?!

Bottom lines:

1. He is either being serious and he is the dumbest piece of shit on the UW campus, or he is attempting to be sarcastic and failing so spectacularly that it almost seems like he is being serious.
2. Liberal Arts is the most important aspect of the college education. Otherwise you’re just attending DeVry to get your associates degree in computer wiring.
3. If he wants the (nationally accredited) UW college to start requiring classes “on the Heimlich manuever, CPR, or self-defense” I suggest he first shove a 2-by-4 up his ass, then enroll in a 12th-grade home economics class for the more advanced training he requires.
4. If you want spend you life “reading up on how to cook, sew, and change” your oil… fuck it, take the home ec class for that shit too. It sounds like everything you require is waiting for you in Ms. Sanchez’s HOSA club at Washington Park High School in Racine, WI.

God this guy is a fuck-tard.

–whazz on

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When I was about 8 years old i thought it would be cool to ride my skateboard like a luge down my uncles quarter mile sloped driveway. Said driveway emptied out onto an extremely busy highway. I get started and i’m luging like a mother fuck for a good 1/8th of a mile. Good times. My speed is still increasing and I start to wobble. I lose control, fall off and slide on my ass all the way to the sidewalk where I stop 5 feet from sure death. I have the biggest road rash strawberry ever known to man. That was not a good idea.

As a younger lad in high school, a younger Paul Larsen fucked with the scientist. I stabbed him in the head (ed. note: it was with a sharpened pencil. posters counter note: it was a metal automatic pencil… i fucked that bitch up. eat a pizza. die slow, my bic automatic make sure all your kids don’t grow!). Not Smart.

The same scientist would later find himself with 7 friends that wanted to go out to lunch. 8 people in a Chevy Lumina doesn’t seem so bad… not until, of course, the police are taking down the information for the accident you were in because you couldn’t move your leg to hit the breaks. Judgement was definately lacking that day.

Staying on the theme of vehicular damage, I had the bright idea to save money and drive out to cali instead of fly. As the Durango and the “biggest uhaul ever” are gliding along the ice at 55 miles per hour… I can only remember thinking: hmmm… maybe there was a better way.

I once convinced Eric Boudreau to jump off my garage. He broke his foot. I’ll leave that as a good decision. That shit was funny.

2 words: Kim Falleck. 10 more words: the fat bitch I fucked after breaking up with her.

I think I made a few bad decisions in Las Vegas… one good decision I made, however, was not to remember any of them by guzzling copius amounts of liquor.

Shaving my balls.

On to my latest bad decision… Joe’s Casino. It started out great. I made a G faster than ever. It leveled out a bit, until the last 4 days when all of my winnings were depleated. A good 100+ hours of work with a net of near 0. I have made some rule adjustments and got some new bank money, but all in all, I could have spent my time wiser. Joe’s casino has reopened with a bank of $500. It is a rolling bank, meaning that if you lose today, it will be there for you to win tomorrow. The table limits are $2-$4 pass line, double odds with 2.5x odds on a $4 pass line on a 6 or 8 point. place bets are $2-4 on the 4,5,9,10 and $2.40-$4.80 on the 6 and 8. Prop bets are $.40-$4. We also now deal 6 deck blackjack. $1-$4 bets with blackjack paying 3/2. dealer hits soft 17; double-downs are restricted to 9, 10, or 11; player may not double after splitting pairs; player may not re-split pairs.

Any customers, holla. Christ I am dumb.

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Thanks, wirkus, for pointing me to the best repository of crazy this side of the Anna Nicole Comedy Hour. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the Miller Brewery Review page. Within this byte stack, you will be witness to the kind of crazies that are only generally heard about in fairy tales, and within those tales are the ones usually eaten by a ham sandwich and come back from the dead covered with dryer lint. Take this (100% real) example:

Hi I would like to know the address I could send a new advertising idea to your company,with a tape of our Lil Potbelly Pig having and enjoying a Miller lite beer. Is it possible you could help me with that, and his resume which I have pictures of him. Thanks Dagne & Merlot

If I received a message like this, I would seriously consider getting out of the beer business, because if the courts can get the tobacco industry fucked over for selling cigarettes that only cause lung cancer, the liquor industry is going to get raped for making a product that causes people to call anything “Lil Something Something” or make their pet pigs drink beer… or have pet pigs in the first place.

Example #2:

I have drank Genuine draft light beer for years. It’s the best as far as I’m concerned. I’m the manager and a bartender of the Common Grounds in Frankfort,IN. I’ve been trying to find a shirt with Miller Genuine Draft Light on it. Is there such a thing? If so, I would really like to have some. Thank you.

We now have certifiable evidence that there exists a man who does NOT know that you can find a t-shirt with anything on it if you look hard enough. I’ll tell you this much: if you can find a t-shirt that says “Life is Short. Pray Hard.” or “Bikini Inspector” or one of those shirts that fat ladies wear that has a picture of a woman’s body in a bikini on it, you can sure as shit find a goddamn t-shirt with MGD Light-In-A-Can on it. An aside: what would happen if a fat guy in a Bikini Inspector t-shirt happened upon a fat lady wearing the Picture-Of-A-Hot-Chick-In-A-Bikini? My guess? The movie “Baby Geniuses”.

For those who aren’t aware. I hate the movie Baby Geniuses. It is everything that is wrong with our society, along with Anne Geddis pictures and amything involving Jamie Kennedy.

If you’re so fucking smart, how about shaving off the stache, dawg.

It’s hard for me even to talk about it. All I know is that (a) I hate Baby Geniuses, (b) I hate Spy Kids for the same reason, (c) I do not like Jay-Z, and (d) Go Brewers.

–whazz on

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It’s 4:30pm and I’m hunkering down in front of my keyboard for the Brewers-Pirates game on MLB.com online radio. I’ll be listening until 5 when I leave to go play basketball, and in that time I’ll record my thoughts and such.

Royce da 5′9″ is up with runners on the corners. Let’s hope he uses his rapper powers to belt some runners in. The way the Brewers have been pitching in the late innings means they need runs early. Ooh, Clayton pops up into the seats, and now he’s 1-2. It’s only 40-something degrees there. 2 outs, 2 on, and Clayton goes to second on an error on Ramirez! YES! I knew that he had the power to hit bloopers to third AND make interesting songs with Eminem.

Now we have Ritchie up with 2 outs. 2-2 now. Let’s get a base hit here, Ritchie. A foul. You know? There’s a guy I work with named Todd Fitch. I don’t know if he can pitch or not, but it may be worth it to check him out. Oooh, strikes out. damn.

I’m back now. Wirkuswhazz called to ask if I was watching the game. I told him I was listening like there’s no tomorrow. Everyone from the 5 county area receives half price tickets April 14-18. It’s good to know that Racine is part of that group. Let me declare something right now. If I lived in Racine or Milwaukee and made the same money I do out here, I would go to every possible home game, and I would get drunk, and I would anxiously await the Luxair Home Run inning every game. With luck I would win and be able to take Ned Yost out for pizza and titties in Milwaukee. End of 3, 1-0 Milwaukee!

Did you know that after the Brewers won their first game of the season they popped champagne in the locker room like they had won the NBA Finals? It’s nice to cheer a team that finds any occasion to drink. I can only hope Uke was down there pouring whiskey into his champagne glass. By the way, I should have a new poll up shortly.

I was just looking at the Brewers home page and I noticed that they’re hosting a Girls Shadow Day at Miller Park with the team. Great. Perhaps they could find a middle reliever somewhere in that mass of hair ribbons and Barbie underoos. Holy shit, I just read that the girls will get a motivational speech from Wendy Selig-Prielb. Well, I guess those particular girls will have to end up in the gutter. The only woman I hate more than Stephanie McMahaon is Wendy Selig-Prielb.

I’m really jonesing for that Soclose Brewers jersey. I’ve been looking at the Brewers Clubhouse for prices, and as soon as I come up with $200, it’s mine. I will have it for the b-party that much is true.

At the end of 4 in Pittsburgh, Ritchie is PERFECT. Holy christ let him pitch a perfect game. That would rock everything. Please. Please.

Damn, I have to jet now. OK, I’ll check back in in the comments later on for post-game analysis, but for now: GO BREWERS!

–whazz on

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Welcome to my nightmares, table for two? Would you like the embarrassing or humiliation section? Because that’s what it is fucking like to try and be a fan of sports in Wisconsin. Brewers? 0-6. Marquette? Killed by Kansas (and I do mean KILLED). Bucks? They will lose in the first round of the playoffs, IF they make it there to begin with. Badger football? Not likely to be good any time soon. Packers? well, we’ll see how that turns out. I know this is wrong to think, I just know it, but it fucking pisses me off that a bunch of fucking Dockers-wearing, weekend warrior, fair-weather fan Giants fuckers get to cheer their “favorite team” to a 6-0 start while we have to deal with Ned Yost and his merry band of high school starters.

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