whazzmaster.com

I would not by any means say that I was a player in college. Sure i got my share of vaginal refreshment, but I knew people much more versed in the ways of the boobed ones.

Moving out to california was like a AA ball player getting bumped up to the pro league of macking. These 2.5 years have been interresting, and after my trip back to the big W last weekend, I can definately say I’ve learned a few things.

Adjusting my game to the cali-trick ho mentality has honed my skillz to an almost unfair state with the amateur midwestern woman. Going back to wisco was like Derek Jeter hitting off a tee ball stand in my backyard (where hitting over the garage is an automatic homerun…). It simply wasn’t fair.

Over the course of 10 hours I had a minimum of 5 women offer full on magic stick swabbin free of charge. I had half of racine using the term “skrillionaire”… such as “that guy over there in the tux and bling bling chains rockin the rolex… he’s a skrillionaire, i’m going to hook him up with my sister”. Seriously.

Frenchy, its the promised land that our grandmas used to read us stories about. Its the players mecca. Its wisconsin.

A few of the wisconsin men used to hitting off the tee ball stand might not even understand what I’m talking about. They never saw the need to hone and refine their skillz. They simply plopped the wiffle ball over the garage a few times a month and were content. Seriously, the wisco game is childs play. So lets find us some children next weekend. Holla.

• Read comments... (62)

My daawwwggg can shake hands like man, he’s a dawg but he can shake hands like a man, I taught him that :: Mike Wirkus (Listen to it!)

Happy Memorial Day whazzmaster.com. It’s nice to see that people have better things to do than comment on a dumb old website on such a fine weekend as this. We’ve had like 5 comments from Friday through Monday. I think it may have something to do with the whole battle rap thing, but we did get a lot of mileage out of it. I figured I’d sit down and whazz some holiday fucking cheer.

Me and Kendric went down to Agenda last night for some Reggae Night action. Holy shit was it nuts. San Jose State had graduation this weekend, and that whole corner of Second Street where Agenda, Spy, Cabana, and that other one are were just a fucking zoo. We waited in line for an hour to get in. An hour. In San Jose. For Agenda. When we got to the front of the line and they charged me a $20 cover I almost choked. That place fucking paid its rent last night, that’s for sure. And actually, it did end up being a pretty fun night. They had all three levels plus the courtyard open for dancing with a DJ in each one spinning different shit (the courtyard had a live reggae-ish band). The basement had hip-hop, so I was down there trying to get another red bull & vodka when Bill Bellamy appeared next to me. In what was the most unexpected event of the year, I ended up saying “what’s up” to Bill Bellamy on non-consecutive days in the same week. That’s strange.

• Continue reading or Read comments... (45)

the lyrical draught is over…
makin your bitch wet like my name was casanover
so get ready cause my styles no misnomer
i’ll beat yall neck deep in 4 leaf clovas
say it with a smile, i say it with a glock
and you creap in denial while i creap down your block
never stop rollin as tommy comes out the ride
5 mile an hour as your homie tommy dies
mad cries, then you realize the situation
the scientist just declared that hes a hatian.

drunk.

• Read comments... (50)

I was all hyped about writing this long and unique post about the Pay-Per-View on Sunday, but the more I got bogged down with work, the less I remembered. Therefore, I will just whazz some random shit onto the page for this post in order to keep things timely.

We went ot the PPV on Sunday (Judgement Day) and it was pretty fun, though the fun was dampered a bit by getting forced to go to some cokehead’s house afterwards where he proceeded to fuck his girlfriend while Madd watched cartoon porn. All of the matches sucked, but we got kind of drunko and in my first ever attempt at playing Golden Tee 2004 I had -16 going into hole 18 (par 5) when I whazzed into the water going for an eagle and sank my final score to -12. I was pissed off. Rock Chalk can tell you.

• Continue reading or Read comments... (23)

Today I did a great thing: I killed a rat. So I’m outside reading “The Dangerous Summer” by Ernesto Hemingway when Fancyface starts screaming because she sees a rat. For some time know this rat has been bothering her when she takes smoke breaks. I tell her not to worry and run inside to get my bb gun. It’s a custom-made co2 pistol with high tech laser scope. I bought the thing with my financial aid money a few years ago. The rat sees me with the gun and is like, “Oh shit! Dudes got a gun!” And he runs under our neighbor’s car. I get down on my belly, line the little red dot right on the bastard’s nose, and shoot. The bb ricochets off the car’s tire and almost gets me. The laser isn’t calibrated, so I do it the old fashioned way. I take aim, fire 12 shots and kill the rat dead. This is the first rat that I’ve ever killed. THE END

• Read comments... (11)

It’s time to tell you all about things I don’t like again. Lately, the whazzmaster.com ratio has been heavily favoring the Drunken Madd Scientist aspect of life, whereas I originally wanted this space mainly so I could tell wirkus and ewaz what I hated about life in California. Believe me, I’m more pleased than anyone about how it turned out, but every once in a while a person with something resembling a brain will stumble upon an aspect of our media culture that makes them so horrified with or pissed off at humanity that something must be put down on paper about it. For example, the following things are abominations before civilization:

1. Anything involving Jaime Kennedy (especially Mailbu’s Most Wanted)
2. USA Today
3. Anything on TV or in a movie that involves babies, toddlers, or puppies. Sometimes kittens as well.
4. Almost every single advertisement on earth.

I’d like to expand on that last one for a moment.

• Continue reading or Read comments... (43)

Well, after years of waiting, me and the co-workers went and saw The Matrix Reloaded, quite possibly
the most hyped geek sequel since Star Wars Ep. 1. Of course, since we saw it opening day we had to
contend with a goddamned army of nerds at the movie theater. Let me review, for those who haven’t
seen my movie reviews before, what I hate about going to the movies (in order):

• Continue reading Comments Off

ok… the scientist is making a request to the whazzmaster A team.

i need some talented graphic designers and writers to help me with some shit and be fully compensated for their effort.

first off, i have a site handhistory.com that provides people statistical analysis of poker hands. i just tricked it out and i’m ready to go live with it. i need some graphics for the main page… about 6 200×200 images describing a simple action like “view all players”, or “open pivot table report”. i could describe further what colors and shit i’d like.

second, edrugtrader.com encourages drug use to todays youth. on the front page i have a rotating set of about 300 poorly written paragraphs stabbing at a chance for humor. most of them suck. if you have it in your heart to write a funny paragraphs about any or all of the drugs listed on the site, please do so in the comments below.

third, battle-rap.com is still in production. any graphics or layout ideas would be appreciated. if you have any input on how the moderation and battles will go, please post below.

thanks a lot A team. after ewaz is famous i’ll make a page just for him… how about thegaybachelor.com?

WITHIN THE WEEK A POLL WILL BE POSTED REQUESTING A YES OR NO VOTE TO HAVE G.M.C. COME BACK TO WHAZZ. this poll is a career match. the final vote determines the future of G.M.C. MY GOOOOODDDD.

• Read comments... (27)