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BLarg, I’m hungover this morning. Its 8:32 in the am and I’m sitting at my desk with a Jamba Juice trying to not dry heave. Mi estomago hurts, and there doesn’t seem to be much to do about it. Got home at about 1:30 last night, and had to wake up at 6:30 so Erin and me could carpool to work. Erin’s bridesmaid/childhood friend came for the weekend/bachelorette party and so we gave her Erin’s car for the day. Now, about last night…

Me, Erin, and Cathy (the aforementioned bridesmaid) met Madd Scientist, Scott, Judd, and Rachel (Madd’s lady) at Kendric’s soon-to-be ex-apartment for a pre-party before heading down to Los Gatos for some good old fashioned 12:30am-bar-time-excitement. One problem: Kendric’s entire house was in a box because he’s moving out this morning (Friday). The first problem begets a second problem: there wasn’t any liquor at this preparty. Aside: it was 95-100 degrees here yesterday, and it was a dry, horrible heat. Back to the story; we walk in and Judd and Madd have there pants arond their ankles and are sitting there drinking hard alcohol in there underwear. I made the introductions. Soon after I found out that there was no liquor. So we left for Los Gatos.

Let me tell you something about Los Gatos: it’s been described to me as the city that the Dot-Com Bust forgot. Everyone there is still blingin like there’s no tomorrow. You see Benzos, Hummers like whoa, etc. Also, the cast of characters is almost entirely caucasian, which is pretty fucking rare for the Bay Area. I was so used to being in a multicultural environment that it was kind of a shock to see a bunch of white girls.

There was a girl talking to Scott who was shaking her ass to the music. Madd walked up, tapped her on the shoulder, and said, “That’s real good. Now try it in time with the music.” Scott says (with hand motion), “ZING!”

The weird (and shitty) thing about the bar was that the bartenders were really bad and slow; the end result being that everyone who went to the bar would end up ordering about 50 drinks so they wouldn’t have to come back so soon. That led to one person’s order taking upwards of 5-7 minutes while the there is a crowd 3 deep all along the bar waiting for bartender access. Add to that the fact that most of the attendants were women who were ordering drinks that take a half hour to make, and you get a miserable drink-acquiring experience. In one trip I got 3 red bull & vodkas, 2 vodka and tonics, and 2 shots of “the railest vodka you got” for Scott and Madd. Scott did his like a trooper, but Madd spit his out OY-RAHEEB style. What, Scientist, is Tvarsky brand vodka shots not good enough for your refined Everclear tastes?

There was a fucking awesome space where the DJ played (back-to-back-to-back-to-etc.) Poison (Bel Biv Devoe), Ice Ice Baby, Bust-A-Move, and Baby Got Back. Then he flipped it into some Magic Stick and some Nuthin But A G Thang action. One thing I can say about Mountain Charlies Thursdays: good fucking music.

I got a little sick of Scott giving me wet willies and petting Erin’s head, so we busted out of there before bar time went home. I passed out upon arrival.

the end.

–whazz on

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alright, tha skrillionaires are now official. madd and french connect are comin to getchu. with fudd on the flank, but not on the bill… secretary of the treasury and i’m covered in skrill. our first single will be droppin this summer.

to all the wordsmiths, drop some lyrics for our introductory track. we are defining what it means to be a skrillionaire. who is this madd scientist? is the french connection a person?

if you aint dropping lyrics, just go back and comment on the previous story.

holla.

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I hadn’t done a Racine Crime Report in quite a while, so I clicked on over to the Journal-Sentinel Online to see if anything new or funny had been posted. Long story short, no good Racine Crime Reports lately. Short story long again, there was something a little bit funnier.

I give to you the Racine County Radio Schedule, wherein you’ll learn such things as:

** The Morning Show runs from 8:10am to 9am and is emitted from Gateway Technical College on the shores of Lake Michigan. Why 8:10? Got me. I can only assume that the Belle Urban System cannot get the DJ to Gateway prior to 8:10am. Or maybe that’s when they open the doors. Or maybe, just maybe, it has something to do with the curvature of spacetime near Racine.

** On Monday, the guests will be Ron and Sue Fry, who are on the staff of the Bristol Renaissance Faire, which opens Saturday. Well, I don’t know what to say except I really liked Black Knight with Martin Lawrence. I wonder what sort of knights, wenches, and pottery they’ll be talking about.

** Tuesday is a special day, for the show will feature an interview with several members of the delegation from Racine who recently traveled to Washington for the All-American Cities competition. Racine was one of 10 U.S. cities given an All-America City award. Racine. Racine, Wisconsin. Racine, Wisconsin is one of the 10 best cities in the country? On what scale? Wait, what exactly does All-America City equal here? They have a really crappy zoo, and any All-America city should have a good zoo, a good nightlife, and 20 whores per square mile. I don’t think Racine satisfies any of those criteria.

** Paul E. Dinter, author of “The Other Side of the Altar: One Man’s Life in the Catholic Priesthood,” will discuss his 30 years as a priest... I was going to write ‘molestering little kids’, but then I realized that even Jay Leno wouldn’t make that cliched a joke, and so I did not do it.

** Thurs-fucking-day: Part one of the program will feature an interview with historian Thomas Fleming, author of “The Illusion of Victory,” which asserts that the United States and its allies enacted an ill-conceived peace treaty that led to World War II. Part two will feature Celia Sandys, granddaughter of Winston Churchill and author of “We Shall Not Fail,” a book on Churchill’s life as a leader. Holy shit, why, cruel world, must I live so far away as to not hear this episode of The Morning Show? You know what they have lined up after the interview? Big Mikey’s gonna prank call a sex shop and ask about dildos in a Chinese accent, while The Freak interviews a farting starfish from the Pacific Ocean.

** Milwaukee Journal Sentinel restaurant critic Dennis Getto will be in the studio to answer listeners’ questions. questions. Questions?! FUCKING QUESTIONS?!?!?!? About what, exactly?

Caller #1: “How can I get my whites brighter without the color fading?”
Dennis: “Rock Bottom Microbrewery and Restaurant”
Caller #2: “Where can I get some really effective bear repellant?”
Dennis: “The filet was great at Fitzgerald’s, but the potato au gratin leaves much to be desired.”
Caller #3: “Who do you put at the top of the NFC Central this year?”
Dennis: “Anywhere but McDonalds.”

Hopefully, Racine Crime Report will return after the wedding, due to several arrests for cow tipping and public drunkeness.

–whazz on

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Erin and me were talking earlier this evening and she turned to me and said, “Do you know what 3 weeks from today is?” “No,” I said. “We’re getting married!” she responded.

Holy shit, dude.

It just fucking ran up on me like that. I’ve been thinking so much about paying for the thing and planning the thing that I kind of forgot about the thing itself. So now the question is, how much weirder does it get? Katie and Brian? Timmer and Fancyface? Henkel and Katie? What do you have say for yourselves? Any reflections, advice, or general butter-dickery for me?

My personal prediction: I’m gonna freak out a little more before fliying back to Wisconsin, but once we touch down in Milwaukee we’re going to be so busy that I won’t have time to do anything but pay for things with my credit card and argue with my parents about who’s sitting at what table for the reception.

Fucking Attention: Any fucking motherfucker who hasn’t been fitted for his motherfucking tux yet, get your fucking ass to the fucking Gingiss store and get fit-fucking-ted ASAP. This is my nightmare.

Anyone who hasn’t gotten their hotel room yet, I think the block is closed now, but you could probably still squeeze a room in if you need it.

DUDE, I AM GETTING MARRIED 3 WEEKS FROM TODAY. Do you fuckers not realize what that sentence means?! Do you even comprehend what that entails? You gotta call my ass Mr. Moneypenny now. And I get to call you a ho.

I think I’ll have more to say about this over the next 2 weeks.

–whazz on

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It is time to move on. Yes! Go Brewers go! Time to move on… Level 4?… HAS HAD ITS RUN.

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The Plan: Fly out of Madison on United Airlines at 6pm on Sunday night.
The Reality: Get fucking plastered on Sunday night and fly out of Madison North-fucking-west Airlines on Monday morning at 6am.

And now, the rest of the story.

Wirkus generously picked us up from the airport after the United lady threatened to leave me stranded in Madison forever. First order of business, go sit on a couch at 933 Jenifer St. and figure out just what in the hell we were gonna do with ourselves. Wirkus put Ewaz on food duty and in no time at all we were eating brats, cheddarwurst, and the delicious cousin of the brat, the brat patty. All with a side of Tater Tots. Damn, we’re so international. So after dinner, the MTV Movie Awards, and episode of Punk’d, and about 1/3 an episode of Jackass, we finally get our asses over to the hotel to check back in. I demanded my tip back from the bellman who took us to the airport earlier in the evening. We actually were checked back into the hotel room that we had all weekend, which prompted the following exasperated picture from me:

Back for the very first time.

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So the plan was to wake up at a decent time on Sunday, have some lunch, get Judd and Scott acquainted with Madison a bit, and then get to the airport by 5pm to catch our flight. And as it always turns out when airline flights and the dreams of elementary honor roll students are involved, everything got all fucked up. The waking up worked out ok, the lunch at Nick’s was great as always, but then shit started to go downhill. We went to Puzzlebox to get our pictures taken for posterity and they were out of film for the giant machine. No pictures. Then we walked down State Street to the Union, where we proceeded to lose Judd for awhile. While waiting for him to a.) find a door out of the Union, and b.) walk around the Union in a clockwise OR counter-clockwise fashion until he found us on the Terrace, bellgirl managed to take off some of her clothes and jump in Lake Mendota to fish out a stick. Admittedly a big stick, but a stick nonetheless. Oh the adventues she’d go on to have with that stick.

So we find Judd and walk up Bascom Hill as God decides to punk us out. He turns on the rain, then turns it off, then on, then off while we ascend towards Lincoln’s ugly mug. Halfway up bellgirl and me play stickball with Timmer’s giant Superball and The Stick That Was Found In The Lake. In a moment of sheer lunacy, when up was down and right was backwards, bellgirl caught the ball square with the stick (even though I was pitching with a SUPERBALL from 50 YARDS AWAY) and jacked it into some construction equipment. So we played on construction equipment for awhile as we looked for the ball. We decided we’d all be better off with a beer sitting in a bar watching the Brewer game, so we headed back down Bascom in the direction of the Nitty Gritty. Along the way, bellgirl took her first step to becoming the Vagg Scientist. She got a condom from the Madd Scientist (who’s never without one, even when walking around campus with 7 dudes and 1 chick who is one of the dude’s girlfriends) and slid it on the end of The Stick That Was Found In The Lake, and started trying to shove it up people’s asses while walking to the bar. Wirkus reached around to grab the stick and came away with a handful of Nonoxonol-9 or whatever that shit is. Bellgirl told him she found it on the ground and Wirkus freaked out. He held his hand a foot away from him until we got to the bar. Also, bellgirl could often be seen pretending to lick the condom end of The Stick That Was Found In The Lake. Funny shit.

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Yesterday’s post went so well I just had to make another one. The pictures here are all from the actual day the deed was done. We were kind of hungover from the Pre-Party, but that didn’t stop us. At the hotel me, Judd, Arlo, and Joel went up to the Governor’s Club for some breakfast. I had some cereal and fruit, which ended up being the only remotely healthy things I consumed all weekend. Somewhat related to that, someone had purchased a copy of FHM for the flight out. When I walked into the bathroom to rid myself of all the High Life and vodka from the night before, it was a pleasant surprise the likes of which are not often seen on this planet.

So we made out way to Wirkus’ house and got on the bus. Our driver seemed like a pretty cool guy, in a backwoods Wisconsin sort of way. Then we shipped out. The notables on the ride to the strip club was me giving quite possibly the longest introduction speech ever, and Madd, Ewaz, Danny, and Springer playing Uchre the entire ride. Ross Perry was more interested in the Cubs game than drinking, talking, or shouting.

So we made it to the strip club and immediately as we get off the bu%^%(*&^(*&&

[edited]

And then the midget stripper said, “I can’t! I’m too short!” And that was the strip club.

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