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The Answers:

1. Bellgirl’s Great Uncle Denny, a former bullpen coach for the Milwaukee Brewers, bought Wirkuswhazz a 12 pack of High Life.

TRUE. We talked baseball and beer. Next thing I know, dude buys us a twelver of High Life. I drank it last night while cooking and watching the Brewers game.

2. Bellgirl’s father dressed up as Elvis and sang Karaoke at a neighbor’s pig roast.

TRUE. Every Fourth of July Crandon has a boat parade. All the boat owners decorate their boats and shoot fire works at each other. This year Bellgirl’s family had an Elvis-themed boat and her father dressed up as Elvis. Last weekend her neighbor’s had a pig roast, and Bellgirl’s family was invited with the stipulation her father had to come dressed as Elvis. He complied; we dined on swine.

3. Bellgirl and Wirkuswhazz had a fight in a bar called The Wild Rose because Wirkuswhazz paid 5$ for a chance to win a shotgun.

TRUE. While drinkin’ it up at the Wild Rose, I discovered a raffle: 5$ for a chance to win a shotgun. Winner need not be present to win. Drawing takes place on August 9th at 3:00 p.m. Hot damn, I gave dude a fiver and bought myself a chance at the gun. Then Bellgirl lost her mind and said I better sell it if I win. I refused. We argued.

4. In a late night drunken game of Pit, Bellgirl’s father enraged Bellgirl’s aunt with his incessant bell ringing.

TRUE. Obviously true. When doesn’t this happen in a game of Pit?

5. Bellgirl’s sisters and aunt wouldn’t shut up about the size of Bellgirl’s boobs.

TRUE (see haiku gallery)

6. Crandon, WI celebrated Kentuck Days: A celebration of all things Kentucky.

Oddly, TRUE. Bellgirl and I looked at junk, (mainly wooden moose and bear) ate corn on the cob, then went over to a bar called Sparky’s and had a beer. There was nothing Kentuck about it.

7. Bellgirl and her sister Liz started a scene when a roving band of teenagers on four wheelers discovered them sun bathing topless.

FALSE. I made this shit up. I added the topless for Madd, and the four wheelers for authenticity.

There you have it. The whazzers who guessed correctly were Madd, Caspa, Jen and Timmah. I put their names in a hat and had Fancyface pick a winner. “Fuck you, I’m studying for my MCAT,” she said, fishing out a name. And the winner of the bendable sausages is: Timmah. Congratulations!

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Wow, lots of messages of late. Wirkus should have his award-winning Contest Results tomorrow, but until then I wanted to drop a couple of links:

Here is Tucker Max’s Daily Journal, where soon I believe the beloved Madd Scientist will be making an appearence.

In case you’re interested, this is where I’ve been playing golf lately.

Judd told me to do a review of Bad Boys II, so I’ll get right on that.

So far the confirmed guest list for Thanksgiving is RAJ, Rock Chalk, Wirkuswhazz, Bellgirl, and Madd Scientist. Extremely probables are Cal. Probables are Greg, Rita, and Cheryl. Maybes are Jen, Rachel, and Grand Masta Caspa(?). I’ll have to call GMC about this, I don’t even know if he wants to.

That’s it, whazzers, just a quick Pfffft before Wirkus’ grand annoucement tomorrow.

–whazz on

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Let’s play a game!

Wirkuswhazz and Bellgirl spent the weekend at a cottage in Crandon, WI with her family. A good time was had by all, but which one of these things DID NOT happen during this North Woods Adventure?

1. Bellgirl’s Great Uncle Denny, a former bullpen coach for the Milwaukee Brewers, bought Wirkuswhazz a 12 pack of High Life.

2. Bellgirl’s father dressed up as Elvis and sang Karaoke at a neighbor’s pig roast.

3. Bellgirl and Wirkuswhazz had a fight in a bar called The Wild Rose because Wirkuswhazz paid 5$ for a chance to win a shotgun.

4. In a late night drunken game of Pit, Bellgirl’s father enraged Bellgirl’s aunt with his incessant bell ringing.

5. Bellgirl’s sisters and aunt wouldn’t shut up about the size of Bellgirl’s boobs.

6. Crandon, WI celebrated Kentuck Days: A celebration of all things Kentucky.

7. Bellgirl and her sister Liz started a scene when a roving band of teenagers on four wheelers discovered them sun bathing topless.

Ok. All you have to do to play is login and post your answer. The name of each whazzer who correctly answers this question will be put in a hat, and one lucky player will win a set of authentic bendable Milwaukee Brewers Racing Sausages! This contest ends at 3:00 p.m. CST on Tuesday July 29th. It is ok to change your answer, you must be logged-in to play, so you schleps (Oneil, Ewaz, Kristen, ect.) who visit this site but don’t have whazzmaster accounts need to get one if you want a chance at the racing weiners. It’s free and easy, so do it already. Any whazzer who was in Crandon, WI this weekend is ineligible for this contest. Did I mention the sausages are bendable? What R U waiting for? Get Postin’!

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So I woke up yesterday with several intentions, such as cleaning the bedroom, cleaning the office, finishing the laundry, doing the dishes, taking the dry cleaning to the store, and playing golf. I ended up doing the dishes and playing golf.

Before I played, however, I stopped and looked at some new drivers. I ended up getting fitted for Callaway’s Great Big Bertha II driver. It felt nice to hit, so I bought one and then headed for the course.

I happened to be looking at the local rules printed on the back of the scorecard when I noticed Rule 3, which states:

Environmentally-Sensitive Areas are defined as any hole, cast or runway reasonably believed to have been occupied by or made by a burrowing owl. Play therefrom is PROHIBITED. Relief MUST betaken pursuant to Rule 25-1b or 25-1c, if located or lost therein.

I didn’t even know there was such a goddamn thing as a burrowing owl. And if there is such a thing, why in god’s name would it make its habitat on a golf course? I was determined at that point to find such a burrowing owl and see what they looked like.

A goose on the 9th hole got all up in my face hissing and trying to start some shit. I said, “I’ll kick your fucking head off if you come near me,” and it went away. Number 1: I hate geese almost as much as I hate pigeons. Number 2: If a goose wants a piece of me, he can go ahead and try, with the knowledge that I’ll apply a fucking 7 iron to his dome.

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Your soundtrack for today’s blog is No letting Go by Wayne Wonder and Ayo for Yayo by Andre Nickatina.

Hola, amigos. It’s been a while since I rapped atcha, so I just figured I’d take up some space while collating all of the pictures from the best wedding ever. I’ll probably end up doing a couple of wedding post overall, but we’re going to do something special with one of them (can’t tell you yet, though).

Erin and I had a great time in Maui. We didn’t really plan anything, just kind of woke up each day and said, “First, eat breakfast, second, what are we doing today?” It ended up as a good strategy, espcially after I overheard some family talking to each other at breakfast one day saying, “OK, first we have to drive to Hana, but we have to be there by noon for our lunch reservations, but we have to be back at 4pm for Kid’s Fun Extravaganza, and then it’s off to the luau, which we have to leave early to get our mustaches waxed.” Fuck all that, I’m having another vodka & tonic. Also, even though we didn’t plan much ahead of time, we still got to do some cool stuff like drive around in nature in the rain forest, and then another day drive up to the top of a volcano. I tended to like just driving somewhere and getting out and walking around in nature more than going to some crowded place and fighting through a mob to go snorkel and look at some fish (and drink a gallon of seawater when my snorkel tube dipped too far into the water).

I think one of the highlights of the trip was the dinners we got to eat. We went all over the island to different places, and they just have some fucking fantastic restaurants there. We had sushi a couple of times, steak one night, we did a luau and got some pig meat, and we went to Mama’s Fish House for the delicious Opakapaka fish. Anyone who likes meat: Ruth’s Chris Steak House is A++, and they’re a chain so you can find them in a lot of places.

I hate Hertz Rent-A-Car.

As I said in my comment on the last story, there was a DJ in Hawaii who called himself the M-A-Double-D Hatter. We’ll have to go back through the 98.3FM archives to see who got to the Double-D first, the Scientist or the Hatter.

Much more to come, just thought I’d share a few thoughts.

–whazz on

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As a secondary preamble to get whazzers back into the mood of wedding night discussion, I propose the following:

Please discuss your experiences of the wedding night SPEAKING ONLY IN QUESTIONS. play off of the person before you or be placed in zing purgatory.

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Ok, me french connect and fuddruckus traveled up to cal’s famed san francisco for a stop on andre nickatinas “world tour”. after dealing with JST (judd standard time) and a rach-ho stolen ack’ we begin rollin in the phat burb.

We get in, get drunk, and accessibility to all the cats was excellent as usual. dre dog was just chillin and drinking. frenchy complained to him about waiting and put him in check. he started the show. he ended the show. seriously, this cat rapped over CD for like 3 songs, gave a few shout outs and left. what. the. fuck.

as french is my bay area mentor, he pointed out some other players in attendance such as equipto. even nickatina gave equipto a shout. but did equipto say 1 word on the mic? no. C’MON. R U JOKIN’ ME?!

Of course the real gangstas start to fight outside and 4 or 5 cop cars full of tiny white pigs show up. me and french connect begin fighting as well. not other people, just each other. french breaks one of the 2 rocks glasses i stole… fucker. anyways as the gangsta fight calms down a bouncer (carrying the rope they hung his great great grand-daddy with), came over with 3 tiny white cops, and says he is going to “citizen arrest us” for smashing bottles over each other. i start to yell that we didn’t have bottles, when a sobering frenchy explains it would be smarter to just leave. awwwwwwl right.

i guess rach-ho came and got me cause i woke up in my bed naked.

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instead of a long story, here are a few of the good wedding pictures that require captions. submit your own in whazzmaster.com list format and if you win lets just say I owe you a drink.

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