whazzmaster.com

Hey pals. It’s me wirkuswhazz. Sorry I haven’t been whazzing. I’ve been busy, and the last few times I stopped in whazzmaster.com was down.

1. House of Leaves is a great book. It jumped into my top ten of all time. Check it out if you need something to read.

2. Lost in Translation sucks.

3. Motherfuckin’ Brewers: WE SENT THE CUBS TO THE PLAYOFFS. SOMEONE KILL ME.

4. Madd, I can play on Wednesday, but I can’t be hungover on Thr because I’m getting teeth pulled that morning. Holla if you want, I’ll answer my phone if it’s before 1:00 am CST.

5. Timmah, I still have your weiners.

6. PFFFFFT!

7. Hojo hell: At 3:30am I stepped on a nail. It hit the bone in the bottom of my foot. I was drunk. Way drunk. I splashed some water on it, slept for a half hour, went to work at 5am. The 7am bellman never showed. I worked 5-3 pm. After work I went to the hospital.

8. Hojo Joy: Meeting Cal.

• Read comments... (74)

Got this email this morning:

Hi folks,

For more information on what’s involved in representing Intuit at a career fair, please see the attached document.

Oh please let me be able to go back to Wisco on the company’s dime. That would rock hard.

• Read comments... (42)

If you can read this, then the DNS servers have updated enough for you to have access. In other words, Welcome Back! That was quite a glitch we had back there, and if not for Cal and Ewaz working overtime to get whazzmaster.com back online, you wouldn’t be here now.

Hopefully I paid enough money to get us back online for about a year. After that, who knows, maybe I’ll just start serving web pages out of the back of my old pickup truck. Buy a watermelon, get a whazzmaster.com page view absolutely free.

I’m in the middle of trying to mod my Xbox right now. When its done it should be suh-weet, but I’ll post more about that when it’s actually done.

–whazz on

• Read comments... (7)

Every week that goes by draws us one step closer to the Second Annual Whazzmaster Thanksgiving Special. And for that I’m excited as all hell. And now to sports…

I had $20 each on the Minnesota and Kansas City games this week, and they both won. That’s sweet. Now if Green Bay can just beat Arizona by a touchdown or two, I’ll have won all my bets this week. NICE. Extra special thanks go to the Detroit Lions for being unable to move the ball from the 1 yd line into the endzone in 4 tries.

In Suicide Football news, we’ve got a few people still undefeated. As of 1:44pm PDT, Judd, Casperson, and my beloved Rock Chalk all are unbeaten. I hope wifey wins the Dom so I can take a bath in it. Click here to view the league results.

In yet other football pool-related news, I’m going to make a moral stand against 3 Sales Guy Games. Their website sucks my balls, and every time I want to check my pool results it makes me filled with a desire to write my own goddamn football pool website. They suck.

I had hoped to go look at Chevy Tahoe’s and apartments in San Jose today sometime, but it appears that football is conspiring against me. Maybe, just maybe, Erin and I will yet be able to go to the driving range.

*sigh* Whazzmaster.com: On Football Sundays Nothing Gets Done Around Here

–whazz on

• Read comments... (19)

I have every intention of turning this evenings festivities into a debacle. I’ve had debacle on my mind all week, but no contestants. Tonight, however, I am under the assumption that many people are going out. I don’t think they know what they signed up for. I’m on a mission, and madd scientist on a mission is not a train you should play chicken with. However, many chicken’s have been trained by the same madd scientist, but that is not the topic of discussion at hand.

Right now, I’m 100% sober. Didn’t even have beer with lunch. You could ask me what i ² was and I would quickly retort with “Negative One.” My brain is operating on all cylindars. Oh how that will change.

Sweet Liquor, if calgon can do it, I pray to you… take me away.

Later in the evening, simple questions may simply be replied to with a punch in the face… or the ever popular quick slap to the nuts. The possibilites truly are endless. Not knowing whats coming is half the fun.

Throw a little absinthe in the mix and you have all the ingredients for cheddar biscuits on top of a few vommit pools. Oh, the fun I will have.

There will be victims though. I do not doubt that. There are casualities of anything truly worth doing. The true victims, however, are the individuals that do not witness tonight’s events.

On that note, I ask of all of you: Want to go drinking?

• Read comments... (47)

An Open Letter To The Democrats

Dear Democrats (& Jen),

I’m writing this to explain to you why, though I would love to vote the Democratic Party into office in 2004, I am not registered with any political party in the state of California.

First things first: John Kerry will not get my vote and Joe Lieberman will not get my vote. They sat by and did NOTHING while Bush and the neo-cons hijacked the idea of democracy and used it to further their right-wing agendas. How they can they stand on the debate floor and say anything negative about Bush’s foreign policy while they voted in favor of it is beyond me. They get no free pass. If it was a bad idea to authorize military action then they should have voted their conscience when it mattered. Now that they want to lead the country, I’m supposed to believe that they’ll have what it takes to stand up to the RNC and its henchmen, when they couldn’t just a few months ago when lives were on the line? Bah. Would the Republicans have vilified them in the press if they had voted against the war? Plain and simply: yes. But the fact was that they hedged their bets. They gambled on the outcome of a WAR because they thought that if they supported it and it was a cakewalk, they would smell like roses in 2004. Never mind that 296 soldiers have died since the war began, John and Joe figured they wanted to be on the winning side. Oops, they were wrong, but they hate the idea of war now.

Now, onto the idea of Clark in the White House. Jen wrote:

• Continue reading or Read comments... (36)

2 days ago something happened to my ass that has never happened before. No, it was not butt sex. buttsex never has, and never will happen to my ass. No, whazzers, what happened to my ass is much worse than butt sex. 2 days ago my ass decided to grow it’s very own hemorrhoid.

After some intrabizzlenetting action I find that my 8 hours sitting on my ass all day, followed by 4 hours of sitting on my ass at home, followed by 4 hours of drinking and a couple hours of vodka shits is not neccessarily the greatest way to treat my dear rectum. Interresting.

I decide its time to take action. I read that in some severe cases, a doctor will make a tiny incision and let the blood out or whatever. sounds simple enough… now I just need something sharp. VIOLA! a sewing kit frenchy threw at me in vegas. Now I just need a way to see around to the dirty side. VIOLA! a 32″ fisheye mirror I sto… bought… uh, somewhere.

Dr. Scientist… paging Dr. Scientist. Patient in exam room 1 is ready.

I set up my halogen desk light on the floor and shine it upwards. The fisheye mirror is also layed out with surgical precision. I squat over the mirror. I do not like what I see. Now I know exactlly what Adam Sandler’s buffoon character was talking about. It blew my fucking mind.

So, I feel around and find the little pea sized hemorrhage on my asshole. It’s go time. Threaded needle in hand, I make my first move. Son of a Bitch. I am reconsidering my decision… just touching this little bastard with the needle tip sent the greatest pain I have ever felt directly to my medulla oblongata. After sucking up all the courage that exists in my frail, overweight, man boob possessing body, I push the needle in.

ow.

Nothing really happens and I don’t get the “instant drainage and pain relief” promised by WebMD. Fuck you WebMD. Back to the drawing board.

After some more research I learn that a warm rinsing will relieve the pain. I hop in the shower, kneel down, stick my ass in the air and touch my forehead to the tub as if praying to the hemorrhoid gods to have mercy on my ass. They vaguely answer my prayer after about 5 minutes of pleeding.

Having somewhat temporal relief, I get to thinking. Neosporin has magic properties for curing crotch rot, thus I figure it might do wonders for any affliction in that general area. I coat my nether-regions with a bounty of neo goodness and head off to sleep. It doesn’t seem to work. If only there was a product specifically made to cure what ails me. I remember Preperation-H. Sweet god I want some Preperation-H. I used to laugh at Preperation-H commercials. HA, I would say. No more. Now I want to run to Walgreens and buy a case of that shit. I don’t own any, but the commercials I’ve heard over the last 24 years promise relief like Rolaids. OK, Mr. Preperation-H man… give me your wares.

the battle continues.

• Read comments... (20)

Thanks to Madd Scientist for posting this week while I was out of it. I don’t know what it was, but with work and other stuff I just wasn’t up to posting anything this week. I’ll rectify that now. Before I do, though, I’d like to take a moment to point out that scientist is the master of the one word post.

OK, so I’m sure that you’re very interested in how the new site is going. Well, it’s progressing pretty well at this point. I believe that most, if not all, of the infrastructure code is complete. It’s possible to post blogs, and right now I’m working on the Comments module. I’m trying to due it abstracted enough so that I can drop in a comment module on any part of the site that I might want user comments on. Also, one of the new features will be to add a small avatar photo to your user profile so that when you post your avatar will show up along with your user name and the number of posts you have. After I have the comments module finished, the next step is to complete the blog toolbox, including editing, deleting, and the approval queue. After that, I’m going to set up the reviews section, and after that I think the private messaging system. Still hoping for that Thanksgiving launch. Erin agreed to do some QA for me when I get to that stage, but I may need a few more people, so let me know if you’re interested in trying out the new site.

Current Packer game score: 17-3. Nice. My money this week is on Indy -1 1/2 over Tennessee and Philly -4 1/2 over the Patriots. I’m currently up in the Indy game, but its close (which was expected) so I’ll probably have to wait until the very end on this one, much like the last game involving the Titans. Now let me go on a separate small rant here: I hate the cable company (whoever they are) that makes TV come into my house. Fox is a complete fucking mess, so no NFC games. CBS comes in fine, but I go to turn on the game today, and I get a fucking black-and-white movie where some guy is ~~DELIGHTFULLY~~ in a rumpled tie telling some dame about how he’s so drunk. Look, black-and-white TV man, you don’t know what drunk is: let me introduce you to the Madd Scientist. Now let me introduce you to Scott. Their concept of drunk is slightly more than a rumpled, loose necktie. So fuck you too, CBS. Now the only game I can watch today is the ESPN late game, which I guess is OK. I think I’ll throw $10 on it and sit down for a nice evening of cursing.

NICE: just checked the Indy/Ten. score and Indy is up 17-7 now. Let me repeat: NICE.

So, I posted this on Luke’s website the other day, but I figured I’d repeat it here. Paul Krugman is a New York Times op-ed writer who has a new book out. He’s an economist who, in his articles, basically tries to explain to the layman why the Bush economic policies are terrible for the future of the country. I purchased his book on Amazon.com on Thursday, and maybe I’ll write up a little something about it. I know that Politics isn’t an exciting or cared-about thing so much on whazzmaster, but I’d really like it if you all took a minute (or 40) to listen to a great interview with the author on NPR’s Fresh Air. It’s free. I’ll throw in another plug real quick for Joe Conason’s new book: Big Lies: The Right-Wing Propaganda Machine and How It Distorts the Truth. Since I’m a subscriber to Salon.com, I’ve been able to read 5 excerpts from the book, and they’re pretty good. Support Salon if you can, it’s only $30 a year (Jen, I’m looking at you). OK, enough Politics, back to Other Stuff.

Football update: for some reason McNair is out of the game, but I can’t see why due to the fact that I CAN’T GET ANY TV GAMES.

So Erin and I went golfing yesterday, which was nice. She had to rent clubs at the golf course, but on the way home we stopped at Don Sherwood and got her a complete set. It’s this one if you’re interested. I also picked up a Great Big Bertha II 3 wood. As much as I’d like to play today, however, I’ve got some web site code to write and some football games to watch. I think I’ll go for some twilight golf sometime this week at Shoreline.

Not much else to report at this time. I really hope you all like the new site. I think it’s gonna be great.

Go Packers, Go Indy, Go Philly, Go Vikings (but only against the Bears).

–whazz on

• Read comments... (46)