whazzmaster.com

Sorry for the absence, folks. I’ve been involved in a heavy deadline at work and just a few minutes ago my group finished and hit our goal. Yee-haw. I’m hoping that we get to go home early so I can drink a beer and play Tiger Woods PGA Tour Golf 2004 on XBOX. That game f’ing rules. Me and GMX have been trading wins in 1-on-1 mode since we got it. I created an awesome golfer who looks like I would if I had enormous shoulders and a 15 inch waist. He is tha bomb, if I may be so bold. GMX’s golfer is a thugged out chinese man with a fu manchu moustache and blond cornrows. He is awesome as well. When GMX makes a birdie or eagle, his thugg does the Running Man or starts shimmying & shaking with such vigor you’d think he was going to pop his load right there on the 14th hole of Pebble Beach. All in all: A Good Game(tm). I’ll probably do a review of it once I get a bit further and have more of an opinion of the Season Tour mode.

So for the last week or so I’ve just slogged through work trying to get to the goal we had set on automating scripts and when I was done I would go home and sit, staring glassy-eyed at either the TV or video games. Now I’m invigorated, though. I’m hyped. I saying this: party at Thugg Mansion this weekend, bitches! The question goes out to the roommates, of who I will of course take counsel from in deciding whether to purchase a quarter-barrel, set up that quarter-barrel in our garage, and subsequently serve beer our of that quarter-barrel to whichever of our friends show up at the appointed time. What do you guys think?

Wirkuswhazz’s personal retelling of the Wedding Story bellgirl told on Tuesday was slightly more funny. He was honestly, actually, and mightily enraged by that retarded fellow and his penchant for not only dancing, but forcing others to dance for his amusement. By the end of the evening Kevin (the 30% Retarded Fellow) was demanding to know what Jessi(e?) saw in Wirkuswhazz. Indeed, the ability to shimmy & shake is not only a prized ability on the golf course, but in the mating rituals of homo sapiens as well. What kind of girl would date a man with no rhythm? Surely not Erin Woinowski (now Moneypenny); I’m a fucking Dance Master. My feet and body move with a fluidity normally reserved for fluids, particularly fluids with Spanish Fly dumped in them. I demanded a picture of Kevin and Wirkuswhazz, arms around each other Marcus & McTeague-style. I heard rumors that Bellgirl (or as she’s apparently known on the dance floor: The Vagg Scientist) possesses pictures of this or something like it. Please, honey, get thos epictures to me so I can put them up on the World Wide Web and everyone can have a bit of fun. Please?

Before I hang up, I’d like to plug an adverstisement. This spot has been paid for by our neighborhood all-around rascally rapscallion cla:

Thanks cla! See you next yeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrr!

–whazz on

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I am currently in a meeting that is a complete and utter waste of my time. They made it “mandatory” because they knew there was no fucking way I’d show up otherwise. To make it worse, they passed around a sign-in sheet to ensure the mandatoriness of it all. A fuking sign-in sheet. Sooooo, what the meeting is about is unimportant. Wholly crap, as the motto page stresses. As such, I won’t be talking about what’s happening in the meeting. I’ll instead be using this space to let my mind wander during this waste of time. This colossal, enormous waste of time.

First and foremost: I think I’d like to go to Nola’s for din-din tonight. Giant hurricanes and sangria sounds pretty good about now. Erin can have a mojito.

This is brilliant. Eberyone thinks I’m taking notes. In actuality, I’m writing swears down:

fuck, bitch, shit, ass, mojo

I don’t really know where that last one came from.

Last night’s basketball game was quite the slaughter. Our team had (and continues to have) problems in the following areas:

**Inbounding the ball
**Dribbling
**Shooting (except for Aman and threes)
**Passing
**Fielding a full 5 player team (at least for some portions of the game)

Sometimes I wonder if the Midwest will ever rise up, beat their cheeseheads into weapons, and storm the coasts. Then the entire nation would bow to the might of Wis-kaan-saan.

I am falling asleep. No. Really. I think someones gonna be pissed when my head cracks down onto the conference table.

{picture of bat with top hat holding turkey removed}

Above: a flying monkey serving me a fully cooked turkey.

BORDER BORED BORED BORED BORD!

And now: a poem:

Aaron Money was a man;
Aaron Money hatched a plan.
Get a job eat corn on cob
and never wash a pan.

The following is how I rank airlines that I’ve flown recently:

1. Midwest
T2. American Airlines
T2. United
4. Northwest

TWO HOUR MEETING… WE ARE AT ONE HOUR AND TWENTY-TWO MINUTES. I REALLY REALLY HAVE TO PEE.

…

Just got back from peeing. I feel better.

The End.

–whazz on

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http://www.battle-rap.com/readingrainbow.mp3

me and ryan… uh…

yeah.

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I wish I could meet the man who invented Caveman Keno… I want to know who he was. — Aaron O’Neil (21 Mar, 2004)

Vegas means many things to many people. To me it means three things: free liquor, gambling, and titties. — The Madd Scientist (12 Mar, 2003)

Free Liquor

There were three particular moments in Free Liquor History that shined this past weekend: The Penny Keno Runner, The Absent-While-We-Were-Being-Cleaned-Out Bellagio Girl, and The Lady Who Slept Behind A Dumpster And Used Me For A Free Drink. All in all a good time.

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Last year I took 1000$ to Vegas. I left with 700$. I’ll take it considering I spent a hell of a lot more than 300$. This year I took 1500$.

It.Is.All.Gone.

Now in a little baby voice “All gone!”

990$ went to gambling. 510$ went to hotels, strippers, food, cabs, etcfuckingetera.

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My head hurts. I awoke at approximately 3:00 this morning flailing in my bed in very wet underwear. My saliva glands in my mouth basically said, “Fuck it. We’re not workin anymore.” I started to have delusions that there was a man standing outside my bedroom window laughing murderously. I couldn’t tell if the bedroom door was open or closed. I think I proposed to GMC that I pay him $60 to clean the entire house. I awoke to find a note on my bathroom mirror that said “I stayed up all nite and cleaned the entire house as you requested. –RC”. In short, another successful Wrestlemania, I guess.

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We’re just about T-Minus 1 week until Vegas 2004 and I figured I’d run a retrospective of past Vegas trips… er, trip. Hopefully in five years this yearly Pre-Trip recap will have grown to epic proportions, but for now we only have one year to go on and we’ll have to extrapolate. I’ll also include my own predictions and fears about this year’s trip (currently scheduled for March 19th-22nd). Let’s get down to it.

Last year’s trip can only be called a “fucking success“. Starting with the drunken plane trip and our late-night buddy Ken, continuing to me and Scientist trudging around the Vegas airport drunk off our asses. The crotch-rot was bad, but memorable. The gambling was entertaining as all hell, due mainly to the fact that I would win $500, then lose it, then win it back. That’s the gambler’s orgasm, folks. I was able to eat a great meal. I had a blast in old-timey Vegas playing $2 craps. In short, it was 100% of what a trip to Vegas should be.

[UPDATE] I saw a fucking exotic bird show! [/UPDATE]

This year we’ve sadly lost some members of the contingent. As far as I know, Old Man Springer will not be joining us. To up the meloncholy factor, the Madd Scientist has decided to be domestic and stay back for the trip. The good news is that O’Neil is making a return engagement this year. The Steven Ejercito wildcard is always a factor. I’m planning on playing a good amount of poker this year, but always craps. ALWAYS. Looking forward to a good meal again at the Venetian’s steakhouse. I hope the crotch-rot will stay away, but I’ll have a 10 gallon bucket of Neosporin to make sure things don’t spiral out of control.

In honor of the Vegas Trip, I’m asking you all to post below your hopes, dreams, and aspirations of what will happen when we all get together in the desert. Make your own predictions. Will Scientist do a run-in? Will someone get arrested for jaywalking… or murder? Ladies: use your own predictions as a salve to sooth your jealous souls. You aren’t coming, but that doesn’t mean we can’t fun does it?

har.har.har.har.har.har.har.har.har.har.har.har.har.har.har.har

–whazz on

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Looks like Brock Lesnar has quit the WWF to go to NFL?! Not only is it weird, but now one of the top matches going into Wrestlemania XX is between two guys who will no longer be working with the company the day after. Brock v. Goldberg was supposed to be huge, but how are they gonna swing it now? This is gonna be one Wrestlemania that is actually a mystery as to what they’re goning to do.

Other Wrestlemania Predictions

1. Old School Taker is gonna suck balls. OOOH! An undead warrior from beyond the dead! And he’s coming out to a Limp Bizkit song! He’s an undead greasy biker!
2. Rock’n'Sock v. Evilution. dum. dum. dum. dum. really dumb.
3. Triple H v. Benoit v. Shawn Michaels. I will bet someone $10 that Benoit does not walk out of WM with the belt. It will not happen. I predict HHH to retain.
4. I boldly predict that the 2 (TWO!) 4-way tag team matches will suck so bad that I will spend all that time outside standing by the pool.
5. Guererro v. Angle is most likely gonna be the highlight of the show. I can’t wait to see that one.
6. Big Show v. Cena is probably going to suck as a match (hey, Big Show is involved) but I really want to see it based on that fact that Cena is awesome and I can’t wait for him to hold the belt.
7. Jericho v. Christian should be a pretty good match. Hopefully with interference from Trish Jericho will win and do a full face turn. Christian is best when he’s full heel.

This weekend should be pretty nice. I just hope I’m not too hungover on Monday morning.

–whazz on

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