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Spacebee and I have returned from our long sojurn into the deep, sometimes durrty, South. Florida was wonderful, except that we couldn’t get there on time, couldn’t fly in to the right city, it rained a lot, it was cold the first few days, and our return flight almost got diverted to Memphis (where they make you eat coleslaw on your BBQ sammiches).

On the Plus Side, however, we did enjoy some incredible mini-golf tournaments. The mini-golfing was free at spacebee’s parent’s resort and it wasn’t some jank little course. It was pirate-themed, and I got my picture taken with an incredibly busty she-pirate statue. In any case, most of the time the Tournament Stakes were that the loser had to buy the first round. With 5 people ordering incredibly expensive drinks, it was in your best interests to not lose that tournament. After the tourney we would retire to one of the seven pools for some R&R (and pizza) (and booze). Pictures will be forthcoming.
We also had time to go to the happiest place on earth: Disney’s Animal Kingdom. I agreed to go because I figured, “well, it’s part zoo, so it can’t be all bad.” In fact, except for the brief (refreshing!) rain showers throughout the day it was pretty swell. My disappointment in all things Disney was upheld however, when we went on the Kilimanjaro Safari ride and they couldn’t just leave well enough alone. I was happy seeing all these animals just mixing it up out in a giant field somewhere, but then they contrived some story about ‘catching poachers’. Dude, just show me the animals. I tire of your attempts to make every attraction a heart-pounding adventure thrill ride.

I had a blast one day when spacebee’s brother-in-law and I hit a golf course while the rest of the clamoring hoardes traveled east to the Ocean and Beach. It was kinda sorta expensive, but then we were in the middle of Orlando. We drank more than a 12-pack between us on the course and it was affecting my shit like whoa. I’ve had a beer or two during eighteen, but not seven or eight. Fun though, and in the bar afterwards I had a bloody mary. Then it was off to BW3 for some boneless wings and NIT basketball action (an oxymoron, I know) and even more booze.

Finally, on Friday just spacebee and I went to Typhoon Lagoon, a Disney water park. That was very fun; there was practically no one in the park. Our plane left at 7:30p, so we were only there from 11:30a until about 4p. In that time, however, we were able to run all the way to the top of each water slide and jump right on (sometimes multiple times in a row). It was so fun I didn’t even care that I had to pay $10 for BBQ onna bun for luncho.

We got jerked around a little at the airport but made it safe and sound back to O’Hare (and only an hour late!) We stayed at spacebee’s parent’s house in Sugar Grove for the night, but had to kick it early to get back to Madison cuuuuz…

My parents came up to visit this weekend. First things first: holy moses. They’re on Weight Watchers and look great! My dad’s lost 40 pounds or something! Dude’s skinny now. We had a chez awesome dinner at the Magnus, and breakfast the next day at the Pancake Cafe. In the meantime we caught up and drank two bottles of wine.

So now you’re all caught up. I’m looking forward to getting a little bit of that pig. Slice off a shank or something, lawman, and we’ll cook it up ourselves, secret-like. We’ll drench it in some kind of sauce from BW3 and go to fucking town. Spicy Garlic-covered hog shank. Yum.

Finally, this is funny.

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Fooferoo, table for two: spacebee and I are fucking blowing this popstand and heading down to Florida for a week.. While I’m gone, whazzmaster.com will continue under the reliable stewardship of madddddddddddddddd, w-whazz, and cal.  With guest appearances by timmah, ktk, rumthumbs, and Alex P. Keatron IIII.  Yes. Keatron.

I may or may not check in while sipping foo-foo drinks on a beach, but in the meantime I welcome you to read up on our SubPrime Overlords in whatever digest The Lawman can provide.  Also, you can sleep safe knowing that I’m gonna get my back shaved.  Also, I’ll be taking pictures.  Of Florida.  Not the shaved back.

Our flight connects through New York.  I think it’s funny that the first time I’ll ever set foot in New York will be a connecting flight.  But hey, it worked for Kansas City, Denver, Dallas, and Memphis.

Seeya next week, whazzmaster.com.

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My brother is supposed to get married near the end of the year and up until recently he and his fiance were looking at homes around the Racine area. I had a few words for him considering my recent foray into (and then retreat away from) the real estate arena.  This morning while reading a Milwaukee Journal-Sentinel article my blood starting boiling, and as you’re well aware my blood boiling usually results in a whazzmaster post.

One of the things I told my brother is not to get too wrapped up in the nonsense realtors and mortgage bankers spew. They want your commission, and they aren’t going to be hanging around when you can’t make your monthly payments. That doesn’t mean they’ll try to bankrupt you, but it also means that whatever magical number you’re “approved for” is what they’ll try to find for you. I’m here to say: take that “magical number” with a great big grain of salt. Most people assume that some sort of rigor goes into the generation of what you’re approved for, but in reality it’s just another company who is looking to get your money. You need to find out how much you’re willing to pay per month, and once you have that number find out if you are approved for that much. Don’t go and just see how much you are approved for and think, “well, I guess they think I can pay that much per month.”

The reason the article made my blood boil was because of a few choice quotes from assholes in the industry:

Subprime lender Jim Howe, also broker-owner of Real Estate Professionals in Racine, said most defaulting borrowers he sees are people who bought and borrowed beyond their means.

“It’s not the lenders. They’re just going by their (regulatory) guidelines and doing what they can do,” Howe said. “Now you’ve got the people who got the loans not living up to their obligations.”

No, in fact it is the lenders who looked at these people who obviously couldn’t afford at $500,000 mortgage and said, “We like the cut of your jib! Here’s $500,000!” If someone in the financial industry supposedly looks at your financial situation and says “We think you deserve this much money”, most people will think there is some justification in their determination. As someone who has gone through the ‘game’ I can honestly say that I got caught up in the lies and exaggerations, all in the name of finding “my home.” The real estate industry loves to play that up: you aren’t finding a house, you’re finding your ‘home.’ That obviously involves some serious emotional manipulation.  But all the platitudes about finding ‘your home’ don’t pay the bills.

For example, a radio commercial currently in rotation in Madison exhorts people to buy a condo because of “pride of ownership” (”you mean like I can paint the walls any color I like?” exclaims a super-excited young woman) and “tax benefits”.   The Don’t-Ever-Look-Behind-The-Curtain salesmanship technique when selling people into crushing debt is probably what bugs me the most about the entire real estate industry.

And so, I’ll leave you with a summary of my opinions.  I’m not some financial wizard who traces every up and down of the market.  But I am a regular schmoe who got caught up in the housing game and managed to extricate myself before it went south.  If you want to go buy a house right now, I don’t begrudge you that.  IF you have the means.  If you have money saved for a down payment, and you can get approved for a 30 year fixed rate mortgage at a monthly rate you’re comfortable with then you currently have maximal negotiating strength.  But, a few caveats:

1. DON’T take whatever the bank extends to you.  At the moment lenders are tightening the reigns because of the soaring foreclosures, but if you have good credit and healthy income they’ll still fall over themselves to throw money at you.  Instead, work out what monthly payment you’re comfortable with and see if you can get approved for that much.  If approved for more, who cares.
2. DON’T fall for the ‘it’s not a house, it’s a home’ emotional bullshit.  It’s a house. You will live there.  You’ll probably live in several before you die.  It’s a place to put your stuff.  It’s a gigantic financial commitment that you should look at rationally.
3. DON’T extend yourself into a crazy mortgage (by which I mean anything BUT a 30 yr fixed) at this point.  Your house will not appreciate $100,000 in one year with the rates tumbling so that you can flip it for a profit.  Again, keep in mind that you are about to engage in a transaction that’s a healthy percentage of a MILLION dollars.  Do you have a plan to eventually get it paid off in some way?

I’m just an idiot that almost got burned, and I don’t want to see any friends or family tumble into a pit of debt and bankruptcy if they can afford it.  It’s a house. That’s all.  Come stay at my place for awhile, homey.

Also: I was super busy yesterday but cannot use that as an excuse.  Happy Birthday Rumthumb!  Looking forward to The Magnus Der Magnussun tonight for booze and tapas.

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This was me at 4:24am on Friday, March 2nd. Hoo boy. More Vegas pictures available here.

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Three days: the Perfect Amount of Time to spend in Las Vegas.

Spacebee and I have a history in Vegas; last May I met her and her friends with the sole intent to show her just how out of control I could ball.  Things went pretty OK on that trip, so for her 26th birthday we hit it with the express goal of eventually quitting it.

For the first time ever, I attended a “show” in Vegas.  Bellygirl and wwhazz had seen Zumanity at NY, NY so we saw that one.  If you ever imagined what it would be like if a burlesque show got drunk and smashed into a fliipty-floppity-gymnastics show light pole doing 125, you need imagine no further.  A highlight: a half-naked man who flew through the air on some billowy drapes at the end of the show took spacebee and I’s photograph.

A couple of notes:

• We kicked it at the Voodoo Lounge on top of the Rio.  If you’re looking for an awesome view while you drink, this is the place to go.  Even with the not-so-great weather (see below) it was still a fantastic time.  Big ups to spacebee’s bro on the recommendation.
• The weather was not so great…  while sunny, it was only getting into the high 50’s during the day.  We were hoping to escape the snow to some nice days, and while 60° is better than 20° it’s not a good as 80°.  We did go down to the pool on Friday, but didn’t stay long.
• We went to the Wynn on Wednesday and while it was very nice, I just couldn’t fucking afford it.  Even on a Wednesday all of the table minimums were too rich for my blood.  Then we went to the bar called Lure, and all seats and tables were reserved for bottle service.  Bottle of Stoli? $350 Bottle of Captain Morgan’s? $450  We just couldn’t roll with that, so we took off after one drink.
• Holy shit the Bellagio sucks.  We went there for just a little while on Friday night and it was packed with utter jackasses from top to bottom.  The dealers were rude, and we escaped quickly.  The Bellagio is over and done with. Don’t go there.
• We stayed at the MGM this trip and I ate that place alive, gambling-wise.  Up $600 in craps, and around $1000 in blackjack (single deck was very good to me this week).  Wynn, on the other hand, ate me alive to the tune of $500 in craps.  Everywhere else was pretty much a break-even proposition.
• Old Vegas was fun as usual, we kicked it at the Golden Gate Casino and the Golden Nugget.  Spacebee and I had a rollicking good time at the cheapo $1 roulette table.
• For the first time ever, instead of running the Vegas Economy solely to the benefit of restaurants and strip joints, I used my profits to actually buy stuff that I would take home with me.  Spacebee and I hit the Forum shops in Caesar’s and did some shopping for purses and clothes, which was good.
• For old time’s sake we had dinner at Gallagher’s in NY, NY.  Upon further reflection, it was some of the worst service I have ever encountered in a restaurant.  The waiter had Zero interest in us, to the point where, when he would talk to us, he would always be looking elsewhere in the restaurant.  When asked how a Rose champagne was, his response was “(pause)Awesome!” Looking for a little better description there, champ.
• Booze: oh man, I never want to see booze again… until next weekend.

Overall a very fun trip.  I did a lot of Traditional Vegas Stuff™ that I normally never do, and the gambling went well enough to cover a good portion of the stuff we did.  Next trip: let’s do a bigger group.  HOLLLLAIR.

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