Truck = Sold

Well, I don’t have a car anymore. I sold my Chevy Tahoe this morning, and I’m just now trying to figure out all the steps I need to go through next. It’s made more difficult due to the fact that it’s Saturday and so nothing is open. My short list is: CXL my insurance, CXL one of the parking spots in our apartment, sign up for Community Car, get the lien release for my auto loan payoff and send to the buyer, start walking everywhere… hmm.

I thought I’d prepared myself for a world without owning a car, but obviously it’s a little bit more disconcerting once the car is actually gone from your parking space. It’s not that I all of a sudden need to go somewhere, but simply that Stacy is at work and I don’t have a car. It’ll take a little getting used to, s’all. In no time, I’m sure I’ll be working at Flipper’s and getting my law degree.

All in all, I think this is for the best. Time will tell, however. Time will tell.

Oh My God

I found it. I thought I never would; hell I wasn’t even aware it was kept by someone. But oh god it is the find of the century. Presented just as it was written. Enjoy…

1. If you fall down, you buy a round of shots at the next bar.
1. you cannot be pushed
2. group consensus rules
3. one knee on ground (football rules)
2. Everyone has a name
1. cannot be related to whazz name
2. Wirkus = Marcus, Casperson = Cyliss, Zach = Tom Z., Tim = Ruben, Ross = Cletus, Ewaz = Smith
3. Max time limit: 1 hour, Min time: 1 drink, exception: if wait is long or no fun possible, move along
4. Magic Bar
1. Pick a bar win $5
1. Marcus = Monday’s
2. Tom Z. = PortaBella
3. Cletus = Bullfeathers
4. Ruben = The Pub
5. Smith = Cafe Montemarte
6. Cyliss = Red Shed

Exit 2:59

Notes: – $1 High Life

- $2 Brats and cheeseburgers

- Phi eagles are fucking us

- Cletus defeat Tom Z. (pool)

- Cyliss = sick

Exit 4:00

Notes: Buck Hunter II Tournament: Tom Z. over Cyliss, Smith over Marcus, Smith over Tom Z. for the title

- OJO = Great Hunter

- Very nice naked lady pics

- Giants win ($100) + 4 team [TIKI BARBER IS ON THE TAKE!]
- 2:55 bartender cajoled us into shots (Kamikazes)

Exit 4:50

Notes: – Hockey game: tie, goes into overtime RUBEN WINS IN OVERTIME!

- Cyliss: can’t breath through nostrils

- Things have taken a turn for the worse for silas

Exit 5:15

Notes:

- Seated by an Ewaz friend

- It was STRESSED that we will be here only for one drink.

- Mindy chose that next we will go to Vintage Bar & Grill

- Cletus is Jackass

- Fred Game was explained

- Pepper Fake Out Cyliss vs RossCletus

Enter 5:20

Exit:

Notes:

- Initial reaction: Frummy

- Tom Z. = insane

- Tom Z. breaks rules and orders vodka + tonic… with a lime and short black straw

- 6:05 = Tom Z is drunk

- Vintage = Vice City

- Cyliss = cig from mouth

- Pit Game = Tim Champion

- Cyliss win all… uses honor… what a champ!

Enter 6:25

- Marcus and Cletus are drunk

- Cyliss and Tom Z. begin moose and bear hunt

- hockey war also continues

- hockey war = Cletus [unintelligible] dept. store 2 wins

- Drunk Stories:

1. Picaresque Part 1
2. “Shooting Fatigue”
3. Rhonda call #2 took place

- Cyliss is the Moose/Bear Hunting Champion: Bar none.

- I’m writing, I’m drunk: Smith

- Lots of memories shared

- Picture taken in bell pantry

- Smith wins $5 bet

Enter 8:00pm

Exit:

Notes:

- Viewed picture of Marcus and Kenny

- Cletus left for dead

- MGD-LIGHT-IN-A-CAN!

- “I’m not doing this to hurt you cyliss.” – Marcus – S.S.

Bar #9: The Pub

Supplemental Dan P.

- Cast: Dan P. = Garrett, Dan P. Girlfriend, Melissa = Britney

- Vodka + Red Bull

Bar #10: Orpheum

CHAOS!

- No one wanted to go to Orpheum, we picked again: Best Western Hotel, NO! Then we picked, Tutto Pasta!

Bar #10: Tutto Pasta

Enter 9:35pm

Exit:

- It is a good chance that Smith will puke up yellow mustard stuff tomorrow

- Lynn (Fancy Face) meets us

- We ate dinner

- The drunkards consist of: Tom Z., Smith, Marcus, Cletus, Ruben, FancyFace not drunk yet.

- Women at next table (large breasts) told us to “turn it down”. Tom Z. told them to meet us at King Club.

Bar #11: King Club

Enter 10:50pm

Notes:

- $5 cover

- BADGERS WIN! BADGERS WIN! <- 31-28

- 2 belvy gimlets = $14

Bar #12: Paradise

Enter 11:20pm

- Marcus was nursed back to health by Tom Z. (Anchor Bank)

- PBR ME ASAP!

- FancyFace’s motto: “It’s Redonculous!”

- Wirkus is ready for the wedding speech!

- Jamal’s motto: “It’s very abrasive!”

Bar #13: Madison Maduro

Enter 11:55pm

- Tom Z.’s throat is killing him

- We hate the bartender

- David is ON A DATE! DO NOT BOTHER!

- Tom Z. drinks a Woodchuck Cider

- FancyFace’s special bar is Up North

- Guy said “no shooting” (bartender) (it was weird) (nuff said)

- They need to “as fancyface says” “regrout” their bar.

- Contact Adam Gehrman about regrouting. He knows how to do stuff like that.

- 12:37am: SMITH TAPS OUT!

Bar #14: Essen Haus

- Sean buy more pretzels… mmm… mmm… mustard. Quealy —- Go to school… damn it… that mustard is hot.  Wirkus is tearing off pretzels with crazy mustard.

- We are all wasted except Sean

- Harry Potter 2?? from Sean – cin… yes / M.P. Yes

- M.P. Company says go see H.P.2– no says kill myself

Bar #15: Up North

Enter God Only Knows

- “low-rise jeans are only made to show panties, especially g-strings” – fancyface

- Kritin Lomas + Cletus = LUV & WHAZZ

- Tom Z. = James Joyce (w/hat)

- Royce da 5′9″ just got signed to the Brewers… infield.

- Ruben = wasted. Threw cigarette on ground rather than give it to fancyface.

- overall a good night

- Marcus: “this meighborhood is not built for mirth”

Viva Las Vegas

Three days: the Perfect Amount of Time to spend in Las Vegas.

Spacebee and I have a history in Vegas; last May I met her and her friends with the sole intent to show her just how out of control I could ball.  Things went pretty OK on that trip, so for her 26th birthday we hit it with the express goal of eventually quitting it.

For the first time ever, I attended a “show” in Vegas.  Bellygirl and wwhazz had seen Zumanity at NY, NY so we saw that one.  If you ever imagined what it would be like if a burlesque show got drunk and smashed into a fliipty-floppity-gymnastics show light pole doing 125, you need imagine no further.  A highlight: a half-naked man who flew through the air on some billowy drapes at the end of the show took spacebee and I’s photograph.

A couple of notes:

• We kicked it at the Voodoo Lounge on top of the Rio.  If you’re looking for an awesome view while you drink, this is the place to go.  Even with the not-so-great weather (see below) it was still a fantastic time.  Big ups to spacebee’s bro on the recommendation.
• The weather was not so great…  while sunny, it was only getting into the high 50’s during the day.  We were hoping to escape the snow to some nice days, and while 60° is better than 20° it’s not a good as 80°.  We did go down to the pool on Friday, but didn’t stay long.
• We went to the Wynn on Wednesday and while it was very nice, I just couldn’t fucking afford it.  Even on a Wednesday all of the table minimums were too rich for my blood.  Then we went to the bar called Lure, and all seats and tables were reserved for bottle service.  Bottle of Stoli? $350 Bottle of Captain Morgan’s? $450  We just couldn’t roll with that, so we took off after one drink.
• Holy shit the Bellagio sucks.  We went there for just a little while on Friday night and it was packed with utter jackasses from top to bottom.  The dealers were rude, and we escaped quickly.  The Bellagio is over and done with. Don’t go there.
• We stayed at the MGM this trip and I ate that place alive, gambling-wise.  Up $600 in craps, and around $1000 in blackjack (single deck was very good to me this week).  Wynn, on the other hand, ate me alive to the tune of $500 in craps.  Everywhere else was pretty much a break-even proposition.
• Old Vegas was fun as usual, we kicked it at the Golden Gate Casino and the Golden Nugget.  Spacebee and I had a rollicking good time at the cheapo $1 roulette table.
• For the first time ever, instead of running the Vegas Economy solely to the benefit of restaurants and strip joints, I used my profits to actually buy stuff that I would take home with me.  Spacebee and I hit the Forum shops in Caesar’s and did some shopping for purses and clothes, which was good.
• For old time’s sake we had dinner at Gallagher’s in NY, NY.  Upon further reflection, it was some of the worst service I have ever encountered in a restaurant.  The waiter had Zero interest in us, to the point where, when he would talk to us, he would always be looking elsewhere in the restaurant.  When asked how a Rose champagne was, his response was “(pause)Awesome!” Looking for a little better description there, champ.
• Booze: oh man, I never want to see booze again… until next weekend.

Overall a very fun trip.  I did a lot of Traditional Vegas Stuff™ that I normally never do, and the gambling went well enough to cover a good portion of the stuff we did.  Next trip: let’s do a bigger group.  HOLLLLAIR.

Sittin Atop The Woorrrrllld

As I sit astride the lines
dividing states and thoughtful times,
rhyming this and that with wit, thinking of when maddddd was fit,
it occurs that all this time: OHHH MY GAWD, TWAS TURPENTINE!

Well ladies and germs, I made it to Madison, WI. I’m sitting in my new apartment, which is not unlike Jay-Z’s in its devastating “coolness” and bling-blung. I bought a lot of stuff in the last two days, including a new luxurious mattress to sleepy-peep on and a couch/entertainment center/coffee table (with the coffee table being a gracious housewarming gift from the parents). It’s 9:40a local time (7:40a Pacifica-time) and I’m a-waitin’ for the ol’ cable guy to come hook me up with a plethora of goodies including tee-vee, interweb, and VOIP-a-licious phone action. I will be dialing into my first Over-Tha-Phone standup meeting at 11:30a this morning and it’s gonna rock. Just got caught up with my email and bloggy goodness via a hijacked (read: pirated) open wireless access point somewhere in my building. Sometimes I love being smarter than the av-er-age bear, eh boo-boo? er, madddddddddddddd?

“How was the trip?!” the greek whazzmaster chorus exclaims.

“Shut up, you.” I respond, “I’m talkin’.”

The trip was tremendous, if by tremendous you mean “full of tremors of fear that I’m about to get swept off a mountain cuz dear old dad’s swinging the trailer around the road like a bolo in the rain being swung by some… uh, i dunno, wet bolo champeen or something.” We were supposed to go 4 days strong but when we reached Cheyenne, WY at 1:30p on Day Two we looked at each other, then looked at Cheyenne, then looked at each other, then said, “Let’s get out of this shithole.” We made a break for Omaha, where we done stayed the the night. That place lives up to the poker game it got it’s name from: motherfucking confusion at first, then careful recognition that it’s complexity hides something to like. At any rate, I thought we were getting an awesome room rate right up until the river when the front desk hit a two-outer and overboated us. Fuck. We had to pay full price for the room.

Wyoming is boring.

Nebraska sucks.

Iowa sucks.

Then we hit Wisconsin and I was happy as a clam. After incredibly driving across all of Wyoming on Friday morning, and then all of Nebraska Friday afternoon we reached Madison a day early and were able to get the truck unloaded by 5pm Saturday. Then on Sunday a veritable army showed up in the form of my mother, grandmother, sister, brother, and fiancee-in-law. They, in addition to my dad, helped me unload the entire trailer in one hour, and then unpack and put away everything within another two hours. By 1pm we were all eating a healthy lunch at Old Chicago. I hit BB&B for some essentials and then went and bought a living room set (to be delivered on Nov. 14)  We capped off the day of unloading, unpacking, and shopping with a good old fashioned family meal at The Old Fashioned (accompanied by the lovely spacebee, of course).  I had the pork sangwich: delicioso.

A couple of notes:

1. Rumthumb: sorry I didn’t answer last night, I was in the middle of confusion when you called.  We shall get together at the earliest convenience for cocktails and stories.
2. All: I have whazzmaster-named The Jacobses child “grace-o”. I suggest you get used to me abusing my authority.
3. Bellygirlx: mucho congratulaciones on your win. You alone control the destiny of literally dozens of 300 pound monster men; how does that feel?  Make it so they wear tu-tu’s to the next home game.
4. cracksmoke: haha, your precious bears lost. suck it.
5. cal: It feels weird that I don’t live in the same state as you anymore, but I’ll probably get over it.
6. maddddddddddddddd: good to see you kept everyone in line when I was away.  In return, you are hereby welcome in my house whenever I am here, and even when I am not IF:
1. You can somehow jimmy the balcony door open, and…
2. you don’t take anything valued at over $14.99.
7. wwhazz: this is the fucking life
8. ktk y k-car con hadley: hi! hope to see you folks soon!
9. alls my peeps in california: HOLLLARIT, and thanks for the hoespitality

More to come as it develops, I need to finish my coffee and ready myself for my first online meeting.  Seeyuz.

PS– I’ll have photographics of the trip and my new place once my main computer is up n running. Right now I’m on my work laptop.

My REAL Halloween Costume

WDYT?

Get Up, Get Up, Get Outta Here!

First off, while looking through Flickr I found this picture. Every time I look at it I laugh. Cuz it’s so funny.

So, the other night we threw a party in Mountain View at Anthony’s Pad. I got out of work at 4pm and Anthony and I headed straight for BevMo to take stock. We had a lot of requests for shit that was locked away behind glass, and the man helping us was silent right up until the point where I was grabbing fistfuls of cigars from the case and then turned around and asked him, “OK, can you open the Dom P cage for me?” His comment: “You guys should have some fun tonight.”

You should really click through to the Flickr set to see all the pictures, but long story short it was a fucking blast. Air Hockey was in full swing (and there are some sweet pictures of it in the set) and there were even bartender shot olympics. We played Guitar Hero early on and by then end I was wailing away in a desperate karaoke move. We had a 1/2 BBL of High Life for my homies, but I was Crown & Coke/Patron/Jager-Bombin it all night long. We also did the old “Everyone Drinks From The Dom Bottle” Trick that we pioneered at the bachelor party.

And CAL MADE IT! Awesome. He declared it Good and that it had an Old-school feel. I appreciates that.

Anyhoo, click through to see more pictures. There may even be a video of me singing a song floating around somewhere, but there was talk of “editing it down”.  Maybe it’ll submitted to American Idol. Say Lah vee, California. It was fun.

YOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

3 Dapper Gentlemen
Originally uploaded by Whazzmaster.

Three years is a long time in the Internet Age. It’s long enough for a dude to move into a veritable mansion, make a few hit singles, and then give up his day job to play poker and marry a nice Occupational Therapist from Minnesnowta. Let’s give it up for the madd scientist; that kid’s alright. More than alright.
If there’s two people that have influenced my worldview more than any other, post-divorce, it’s Madd and Wwhazz. I was your typical bling-bling software engineer, always looking for the next big screen TV or all-inclusive resort package in Napa. Scientist was pretty blunged too, after a fashion. Now, however, he eschews flash and style for simple pleasures. The kid likes internet poker and disc golf. He has a dog that looks like an athletic sock stuffed to bursting. I’ve seen him insulted or hated on in ways that would turn my rage-o-meter to 12, but he takes the long view and is a calm, tranquil island of confidence and happiness. That appeals the hell outta me, and I offer nothing but the sincerest hopes that his happiness lasts a long time. For awhile there I wasn’t sure dude was gonna live to see 30, but he’s turned into a stately sage that I know I’ll turn to next time I need an explanation of Alan Greenspan sliding backwards down a Laffer Curve into a black hole. Really makes me wish he still lived here.
You can click through the to the Flickr wedding set to see all the pictures (and there are some awesome ones you’ll want to see) but I thought I’d highlight a few awesome moments during the week.
First up: Most In-Poor-Taste Gambling Moment of the week was when Scientist’s brosef-in-law Kevin broke me off for $48 in disc golf (my first time ever) and then called in my marker at a bar without giving me a chance to win it back. My goal was to turn up the heat on him until he withered and cracked, but instead I just had to cover his bar tab. Ugh.
Second: Scientist’s uncles completely fucked his car during the reception. They got his keys and wrapped the whole thing crossways in plastic wrap, then unrolled a whole thing of duct tape around that, then took out several fuses that made shit start, then unplugged a bunch of wires under the dash, then spray-painted cocks all over it. Wwhazz and I agreed that it was a tiny bit of karma for all the things Scientist has drunkenly stolen, broken, and just generally wrecked over the last 5-10 years.
Third: After the reception closed down and we went back to the hotel, but before we went down to the hotel bar, we dressed up nicely in our tuxedos, put on Wwhazz’s lucha libre mask, and started running around the pool. Yes, we have pictures. Yes, they are awesome.
Fourth: The sleeper sofa in the suite madd rented was factory-new and had a giant nylon strap holding it closed. With no modern-man tools, the gentlemen retreated to the stone age to conquer the beast: a sharp piece of metal and fire. Scientist only allowed the Fire Plan to proceed once he’d filled a bucket with water and stood at the ready. Fire worked, strap burned off, sleeper sofa opened, good night.
Fifth: The night of the rehearsal dinner I challenged Madd to a dance contest at Alleygators and soundly beat him, there’s also some good pictures of that in the set.
Sixth: I ate BW3 twice on this trip. I can’t get enough of that place; if I lived in the midwest I’d weigh a skrillion pounds.
Seventh: LADave is no longer LADave, but since I refuse to call him RacineDave he will continue to be referred to as LADave.
Eighth: “HOLLLARIT” was not said 800 times this trip, but “HOLLLARIT QUINCY” was said 300.
Thanks for the swell weekend, mike & rachel. You guys are A-Plus for throwing that shindig and I wish more of the whazzmaster krew could have been there. I appreciate all the posting that maddddd does around here to perk things up when they slow down, and here’s to praying that now that he’s married he won’t give up wm.com. C’mon mrssssssssssssssss, join in the fun and post nonsense; start with a nautical shanty.
Happy marriage you guys, have a good honeymoon in that hurricane.

Comped Bread

.flickr-photo { }
.flickr-frame { float: right; text-align: center; margin-right: 15px; margin-bottom: 15px; }
.flickr-caption { font-size: 0.8em; margin-top: 0px; }

Comped Bread,
originally uploaded by Whazzmaster.

Man, I remember it like yesterday: we were straggling through vegas parking lots simply so we wouldn’t have to be exposed to the Strip anymore and we spied a bread deliervy truck making the rounds to the restaurants on the strip. It was parked and a guy was loading bread onto a dolly. Scientist yelled, “HEY, CAN WE HAVE SOME BREAD?” The man disappeared behind the truck, and then walked us over a loaf of bread and bid us a good day. That’s when we realized Vegas was awesome, and it’s sense of hospitality trickled down to even the lowliest bread truck deliveryman. We took that bread back to the hotel room at the filthy Tropicana and ate the shit out of it. Then we threw three (3) pieces out of the window along with our socks. They stunk of drunk dude. The socks, not the bread.

I’m So Sorry

I dun dun it agin. If I missed any pictures that shouldn’t be there, allow me to rectify by you telling me which ones to remove. I was fairly conservative, but maybe I missed one or two. I know how you scamps like your privacy after you’ve been posing for the camera all night.

– i’d be lyin if i said i didn’t have designs on you

Extra, Extra, Read All About It: Pictures!

All the galleries are up from my trip. Click through to the Galleries homepage, or direct from the below list.

• WWhazz/Bellygirl Wedding Extravaganza
• WWhazz/Bellygirl (Rehearsal) Wedding Extravaganza
• WWhazz/Bellygirl Pre-wedding Festivities
• New Year’s Eve 2005

Have fun.