What’s This I Hear?

Ok, so there’s a reason I’ve been MIA for awhile, and it sure ain’t cuz I was in the MIA.  We’ve got a big release coming out at work on July 7th and I’ve been frantic for awhile now (pretty much ever since I got back from California.)

But Cal has to go get engaged and make me break my radio silence. Lookit this guy *jerks thumb*: he got down on one bruised runner’s knee, doffed his floppy brown hat, and said, “will you be my Mrs. Cal?”  And can you believe it? She said yes!  I hear through the Intercontinental Grapevine that it will be le International Affaire (probably not in a cow pasture).  Congratulations on your engagement and your new clown car/death trap!  Now when I’m out in California we can go on romantic trips through the mountains in your SMART CAR.

Meanwhile, Scientist fucking blew my mind again and moved to, where?, Santa Monica? I was there once.  It was ok.  Maybe I’ll fly in and visit once Southwest Airlines starts going out of Milwaukee in the fall.  Summer is moving quickly this year, ladies and gentlefops; get out and enjoy it.

Whazzgiving 2008

Here’s the menu:

• Turkey
• Root mashers
• Stuffing
• Green Bean Casserole
• Relish tray
• Sweet potatoes in some form
• Dessert (TBD)
• Some kind of rolls
• Cranberries?

Here’s the shopping list:

• Turkey
• 3 pounds yukon gold potatoes
• 1 pound of carrots/parsnips/celery root
• 1 package butter
• chicken broth (see if we have some)
• fresh chives
• half and half (small container)
• Green Beans
• French onions
• Cream of Mushroom sopa
• 1 pkg celery
• 2 medium onions
• Fresh parsley
• 1.5 pounds of high-quality white sandwich bread
• 4 quarts of chicken stock
• eggs
• Pillsbury rolls
• 1 tri-tip steak
• asparagus
• 2 avocados
• 1 tomato
• cilantro
• hot sauce (cholula or tapatio)
• 2 cans frozen lemonade
• 2 cans frozen orange juice
• 1 bottle peach brandy
• beer
• two liter 7-up
• broccoli
• (good) salsa

Penzey’s List:

• cayenne pepper
• dried sage
• dried marjoram

To Do:

• Get knives sharpened
• Buy turkey roasting pan
• Buy dispoasable pans for cooking stuffing
• Get turkey baster (maybe?)

My Busted-Ass Website

I see that the few dedicated hobo-lovers that still post here are up in arms over the lack of updates.  Sorry holmes, but a melancholia has set in as my world crumbles around me.  Everything’s right-as-rain on the home front– I couldn’t love my little peanut any more than I do– but aside from that the world is falling to dust.

Brewers: ousted. Badger football: balls.  Packers: meh. My parlay cards: BAD!  My weight: high.  My bank account: low.  My ebay feedback rating: so-so.  My craigslist want ad: unanswered. My gainful employment: perhaps running out.  My stock options: worthless.

Which is not to say that I had a bad 30th birthday.  Spacebee did a wonderful job of tricking the living shit out of me.  I am so stupid, I was on the Booze Cruise and still not eating anything because I didn’t want to spoil my appetite for the non-forthcoming dinner at the Tornado Room.  The birthday tailgate was besieged by legions and legions of bees but we made the best of it.  Thirty people: one stung, which is pretty good, but the one was a small child which wasn’t so great.  He rubbed some metaphorical dirt on it and was on his way, though.  Someday I’ll actually have all the pictures I took up on Flickr, and when that happens I’ll post a link in comments.  Thanks to all who came (not you, CAL).  Props and slops.

I’m thinking of buying a years supply of food. Can’t be too careful, seeing as America’s GDP now hovers somewhere around $12.50 + gratuity.  Am I a paranoid sonuvabitch? Yes, most assuredly.  But I also worried about a housing bust a-way back in 2005, and worried about the stock market a-way back in January 2008.   Sometimes a paranoid motherfucker is right about shit.  Sometimes.

I know you all come here solely for my wit and motherfucking wisdom, so I’ll try to post more.  That is, if the mole men haven’t taken over the country yet of course.

I heart New York

Spacebee and I have returned from our long sojurn into the deep, sometimes durrty, South. Florida was wonderful, except that we couldn’t get there on time, couldn’t fly in to the right city, it rained a lot, it was cold the first few days, and our return flight almost got diverted to Memphis (where they make you eat coleslaw on your BBQ sammiches).

On the Plus Side, however, we did enjoy some incredible mini-golf tournaments. The mini-golfing was free at spacebee’s parent’s resort and it wasn’t some jank little course. It was pirate-themed, and I got my picture taken with an incredibly busty she-pirate statue. In any case, most of the time the Tournament Stakes were that the loser had to buy the first round. With 5 people ordering incredibly expensive drinks, it was in your best interests to not lose that tournament. After the tourney we would retire to one of the seven pools for some R&R (and pizza) (and booze). Pictures will be forthcoming.
We also had time to go to the happiest place on earth: Disney’s Animal Kingdom. I agreed to go because I figured, “well, it’s part zoo, so it can’t be all bad.” In fact, except for the brief (refreshing!) rain showers throughout the day it was pretty swell. My disappointment in all things Disney was upheld however, when we went on the Kilimanjaro Safari ride and they couldn’t just leave well enough alone. I was happy seeing all these animals just mixing it up out in a giant field somewhere, but then they contrived some story about ‘catching poachers’. Dude, just show me the animals. I tire of your attempts to make every attraction a heart-pounding adventure thrill ride.

I had a blast one day when spacebee’s brother-in-law and I hit a golf course while the rest of the clamoring hoardes traveled east to the Ocean and Beach. It was kinda sorta expensive, but then we were in the middle of Orlando. We drank more than a 12-pack between us on the course and it was affecting my shit like whoa. I’ve had a beer or two during eighteen, but not seven or eight. Fun though, and in the bar afterwards I had a bloody mary. Then it was off to BW3 for some boneless wings and NIT basketball action (an oxymoron, I know) and even more booze.

Finally, on Friday just spacebee and I went to Typhoon Lagoon, a Disney water park. That was very fun; there was practically no one in the park. Our plane left at 7:30p, so we were only there from 11:30a until about 4p. In that time, however, we were able to run all the way to the top of each water slide and jump right on (sometimes multiple times in a row). It was so fun I didn’t even care that I had to pay $10 for BBQ onna bun for luncho.

We got jerked around a little at the airport but made it safe and sound back to O’Hare (and only an hour late!) We stayed at spacebee’s parent’s house in Sugar Grove for the night, but had to kick it early to get back to Madison cuuuuz…

My parents came up to visit this weekend. First things first: holy moses. They’re on Weight Watchers and look great! My dad’s lost 40 pounds or something! Dude’s skinny now. We had a chez awesome dinner at the Magnus, and breakfast the next day at the Pancake Cafe. In the meantime we caught up and drank two bottles of wine.

So now you’re all caught up. I’m looking forward to getting a little bit of that pig. Slice off a shank or something, lawman, and we’ll cook it up ourselves, secret-like. We’ll drench it in some kind of sauce from BW3 and go to fucking town. Spicy Garlic-covered hog shank. Yum.

Finally, this is funny.

It Was Fun While It Lasted

Five years ago I moved out to California with a trailer full of clothes, books, and a computer. The good people at Intuit gave me a signing bonus of $5,000 (before taxes) and I used it to buy a Golden Tee 99 arcade machine off eBay for ~$2000 (including shipping). I had many late nights in San Jose playing Whazz with the Madd Scientist (before he was even known as such). I dominated him so thoroughly and embarassingly that I named myself the Whazzmaster. It’s not like I made him call me that at home, I just fancied myself The Whazzmaster. When it came time to buy a domain name for my new website I naturally used it, because duh, it fucking rules. Fun was had.

Five years passed: I’ve moved it four times (three with Judd’s much-appreciated help) a total of 10 flights of stairs and it is a heavy fucker. I haven’t played it much lately but when Scientist was out here earlier this year we hit a few rounds. Fun times, fun times.

I just sold it for $500 plus a $20 tip for helping the guy bring it down to his van. The dream has died.

*sigh* … say lah vee. Feel free to reminisce about how whazz has affected your lives. I know I will tonight. Break out the whiskey.

The Shrine on our desk.

Can I still call myself whazzmaster? Or do I have to change the name of the website? So many questions.

Twenty Eight

Today unofficially kicks off the busiest October I’ve ever had. Birthday! Considering the rager we threw last year at the ol’ homestead tonight will be much more low key, and with any luck I won’t wake up in bed with Scott Fornier. At any rate, we’re going down to the Village Bistro on Santana Row for a small dinner that Judd put together. Afterwards, drinks? Maybe, that’s all I can say. I won’t have any pictures due to filthy thieves in Madison, Wisconsin, but maybe I can describe the night to you using a villanelle. Who knows? Spacebee told me she’d be hiding in a cake, so I’m on the lookout for cakes that are people-sized.
I’ve got some bites on the whazz machine, we’ll see where they lead.  I’ll snag the speakers out for you, scientist.

I also made a big pot of black beans and rice with chicken last night. I’ll be interested to see how it turned out.

There’s awesome pictures from the halloween party last weekend but due to the nature of some of them they are restricted to friends and family of Jordan. I’ll see if I can wrangle a few of them off his flickr page so I can show them here. CREATIVE COMMONS~!

Got a big karaoke outing planned in San Fran on Friday night. Are you down to ride, Cal?  FRIDAY FRIDAY FRIDAY FRIDAY! Greg can come, too. Emile is also invited. I won’t even kid you about rolling snake eyes on the LSAT; I’ll serenade you with some R. Kelly ditty.

Calling All Whazzers

Wwhazz (a writer) and Moneypenny (a wanker) have an announcement for the Hordes who have heretofore ignored our pleas:

Wwhazz: Survivor Football, formerly known as suicide football, is fun, easy and free to play. Each week, you pick a football team. If your team loses, you are done. If your team wins, you pick again the next week, but you may only select each team once. In the event that the last active members are all eliminated together in the same week, all are declared winners (in the eyes of yahoo) but not to me, so we will cross that bridge if we need to. You must have your pick in before the kickoff of the week’s first game, so pay attention for sneaky Thursday night and Saturday games. This isn’t like madd’s jank webpage where we could change shit, so have your picks in on time or you are fucked. A word of warning: I guarantee that at least one person will be eliminated because of late picks. To be sure of this, I’m asking whazzmaster to sign up his brother and I am also contacting Ewhazz.

Moneypenny: If you don’t sign up for Suicide Football, I’ll kick you in the nuts.

Wwhazz: So why bother? Because you can win a free bottle of Dom Perignon, that’s why.

Moneypenny: Some people have spread the rumor that I hate Dom. Those are vicious lies and I curse anyone who spreads them. It tastes like chalk but a good chalk. A delicious chalk bred of the finest spring water and Mrs. Rumstead’s erasers. Spacebee and I drank Dom out of solo cups and whiled away the hours watching Super Troopers. You can drink your Dom wherever, however you want. Dribble it down your chin or give yourself a chalk enema. Pour it over your head while singing a militaristic song about a dog that HOLLLARsIT. Or you can use it to jumpstart your nascent rap career (see below).

Wwhazz: Why Dom? Because our champagne drinking habits and our treatment of women are both deeply informed by rap music and Cris is just too damned expensive.

Moneypenny: (see above)

Wwhazz: This is our third year going and I think it’s going to be our best. If you are a poster, lurker or an old pal from the Hojo or Connie, I encourage you to sign up. Don’t worry if you missed the first game because we are starting with week two. Past champions include Fuddruckus and Whazzmaster himself, so hopefully we can get them to post their first person accounts of drinking their chalky, overpriced booze.

Moneypenny (aka Whazzmaster): Ah, my beautiful chalk. Luckily I was given it and transported it from So*Cal before the legendary Ban on All Liquids (1/3 the STATES of Matter (The STATES of Matter would be a good name for a band). So, uh, as I mentioned before, spacebee and I drank that one down good. I hear Judd wined and/or dined Manders with or I could just be makikng that up. You’ll never know.

Wwhazz: To sign up click here:

http://football.fantasysports.yahoo.com/survival

Use this info:

ID #: 14684
Password: bonerpills

Good luck,

W-whazz

Moneypenny: What he said. And now for some PICTURES!

Me (whazzmaster (moneypenny) ) with my hard-earned chalk-water.

Two Former Champions (And Dom)

The Good Doctor, Whazzmaster, and a Suck*It

GMC Inna Sombrero, Among Other Things

EVERYONE who’s EVERYONE drinks Dom

Whazzmaster was presented with another, faker Dom by Ewaz

…and finally a bonus picture…

Look at those guys dance; America sure has Got Talent alright.

Home-Boy

I dropped lots of lots of revelations with few details in the last post so I want to clear things up.  I told my manager on Monday that I intend to move back to Wisconsin and while I would like to continue to work for Intuit, I was moving regardless.  He was generally accepting of the idea of me working remote from Wisconsin, but there aren’t any timelines or anything.  We have a few more weeks until we ship QuickBooks 2007 and I didn’t expect anything to happen before then. After that, however, I wanted to get my stuff moved back so I don’t end up driving cross-country in the snow.  I intend to move to Madison, and most likely I’ll be living downtown.

So why am I doing it?  Everyone at work certainly wants to know, and while I don’t think I necessarily owe Intuit an in-depth response I ‘ve worked it out for myself so I’ll share it here.

It’s been a rough year for me, whazzmaster.com.  After I resigned myself to the divorce I threw myself into 3 things: getting healthy, my job, and later on my relationship with Stacy.  The more time went by, however, the lonelier I grew.  I see GMC infrequently.  I never see Cal.  Judd and Amanda are justifiably busy these days.  None of these are indictments of those people, it’s just that as we get older peoples’ priorities change.  So now I’m burnt out on work, and I talk to my girlfriend on the phone several times a week but only see her once a month or less.  I miss seeing my family more than once or twice a year; I miss being able to go to family reunions or just be home for someone’s birthday.  And to be truthful I’m a little burnt out on California, which is a bit of a surprise to me.  I think I may end up here again before I croak, but for now I’d like an extended stay in the midwest.

So that’s about it; I don’t know any specifics but I’m almost certain I’ll be back in Madison by the holidays.  If I continue with Intuit I’ll still be making regular trips out to the Bay Area for meetings and such, and of course while I’m out here visiting I wanna kick it with the California Krew.  But that’s where I stand today: burned out on California and anxious to be back in the motherland.  Can I get a what-what?

Happy Birthday, Bellygirl!

Happy Early Birthdays to whazzmaster’s own bellygirl. How old are you, old lady? Gettin up there near your husband, I suppose. And you’llc elebrate the special day how? Tequila in TJ? Fish Tacos at South Beach? Is Parker gonna lick cake off your face? Let us know how the day goes; if it was a weekend I’d just fly down and party with you. Que sera, I’ll have to imagine the fun times you’ll have. Don’t let wwhazz give you any guff, he should have to do shots and dance cuz it’s your b-day.

Decision Required

I think we’ve all advanced to a point in our lives where we can agree that it’s time to do something special. I mean, jeez, my 10 high school reunion is next year, and when I think that the kids gradumating college today were in middle school when I was in college makes me bewildered.

Also, without trying to sound like an ass, I’ve got money. I’ve got money and I’d rather blow a wad of it on something awesome than use it to buy a Cristal enema or a drink in San Francisco. So here’s my plan: pull together the First Annual Whazzmaster Weekend, replacing the short-lived (but immensely fun) Whazzgiving tradition.

The decision tree is huge and heavily influenced by particpation rate, but I do not want money to be the limiting reagent here. I’m willing to subsidize the cost if people can somehow arrive at the location on their own dime.

To wit, my vision:

Take all our friends, throw them in a giant cottage/mansion/cabin on a California/Wisconsin lake/mountain in the summer/winter with booze/{insert other bad things here}. Give them access to 6+ bedrooms, lots of poker chips, board games, one or more hot tubs, skiing/snowboarding/paddleboats/canoes, TVs, and DVDs. Provide this environment for 3+ days. Take pictures. Put pictures on Whazzmaster. Do it again the next year in the same/different location.

Reactions? I’d love to hear ‘em.

– i got a man/what’s your man gotta do with me?/i got a man!/but yer man ain’t me